The (S)Hit Job - by Matthew Hooton

I'll get these bastards I will get them in the end. They're rotten to the core, against everything I stand for. A political disgrace of corruption and lies. The haters who try to bring me down, ban me from the Beehive, blacklist me from the corridors of power and events of influence. Labour? Oh god no. Who cares about them!!!

I will get Key and Eagleson. And McCully and English. And Joyce.

Dirty Politics? Mwah. I barely rated a mention in that book. Those pathetic children have nothing on me. I've been running hit campaigns for years. Most of them against the National Party and using all my contacts for financial gain but these moments have been superb. 

The Trotter's, Bradbury's, Pagani's, Harre's and McCarten's of this world are putty in my hands. I managed to convince Labour to elect David Shearer as their leader. Possibly the greatest practical joke in New Zealand political history. People are still laughing at how I managed to bring that whole thing together. 

Copper tax? Cellphone tax? Nah I bandied them all together and created an Alliance of my own. Wrapped it up and sold it to my clients. Haha. I've got O'Sullivan in my pocket and the entire NBR. They've given me a weekly advertisement column to pitch my services!! They've ran my lines for years. Nicky Hager (of argh mutter, Grafton Road, Roseneath) only  served to show once again with my small mention in his book how bloody fabulous I really am at my job.  I'm so good that Don Brash wanted to recruit me for ACT. You have to believe that, I told O'Sullivan to write it after she had a long lunch with Brash. I was there along with many luminaries. Why would I want to be an MP? I'm more powerful in one morning on Radio NZ confusing the left and right. 

Take this live sheep issue. I don't even like sheep and haven't eaten lamb since Muldoon was Prime Minister and I was courting my wife at the mother in law's. Okay the timing may be a bit off but you get the embellishment (granted as quite common with the talent - Ed). If we lived in the country I would let my children's pet sheep out the back gate and into the path of an oncoming stock truck. When they were at school of course. I wouldn't want them to see that.

While working for Lockwood Smith I saw what was happening and said nothing at the time. I saved it. I saved it for a rainy day. Well with Key, McCully, Joyce and English all on my back its not just raining outside its pouring and the whole Hooton family need gumboots. O'Sullivan fell for that yet again.  Sour grapes? Mate there is a whole vineyard waiting for McCully.

New Zealanders need to know that Murray McCully sold us out for sheep. Bribery? Well you could say that but I couldn't possibly comment. Being as "straight as a die" I have managed so far to circumnavigate trade and foreign affairs issues without participating in or seeing any cash for access deals. No it's all fair. 

But let's digress and go back to my Michele Hewitson interview. I thought it was an accurate account of myself but a hell of a risk as unlike my other media friends I wasn't allowed to write it myself.

And let's digress again. I gave up the booze and have found water. I sucked Dudding in, it had nothing to do with Dirty Politics at all.  I was courting a new client and thought the best way to win the work was to switch from booze to water. Well it did have something to do with Dirty Politics really, I'm now representing every company that Whaleoil has effectively attacked.  Ski holidays to Whistler with Laila for the next decade. I've got a plan so cunning you could stick a tail on it and call it a weasel. 

Editor - still waiting Matthew for you to send me a list of conflict disclosures.....