New Zealand Sport In A State of Mega Crisis - by Chris Rattue

New Zealand sport is at a crossroads, I predict it will turn to crisis very shortly. At the New Zealand Herald we all love a good crisis in a headline.

The All Blacks aren't that good. They have only 93.70 points in the world rankings. Richie McCaw is hopeless. There's twelve better faster open side flankers in Auckland club rugby alone right now. Dan Carter? Well he can't kick can he? They're all too old. And the possible replacements? Well they're all too young. Aaron Smith? Nah inconsistent and unreliable. His pass isn't great. Sam Cane? Over-rated and has sat in waiting longer than Camilla did for Charles. Should have already gone overseas if he was any good.

Let us face facts rugby isn't played seriously by any country in the world that matters so I don't know why New Zealanders are so passionate about it. World leading countries like China, Brazil, India or Russia survive without rugby. Even the Americans haven't taken it seriously until sevens (not a real sport in my opinion) became an Olympic sport. The NZ sevens team will lose to America. They won't win a medal, waste of time offering up All Blacks for the season. America has the best NFL and college track rejects to choose from and sevens is dead easy. Pick up ball and run really fast.

Our cricket team are still hopeless. They came second in the World Cup. Second I repeat, first LOSERS. McCullum the worst captain we have ever had. At least Howarth had the booze to blame for daft captaincy decisions. Kane Williamson? Well his batting average could be higher couldn't it? And captaincy will bugger that all up. Trent Boult? An average bowler at best with injury issues and Ronchi? Well he can't catch and even when he does do something well just remember - he's Australian. The team lacks consistency. A bit like the All Blacks really as they haven't won every game they've played and they should.

Lydia Ko? Nah she's not that good, beginners luck. Valerie Adams? Not that flash. Wouldn't win a thing if it wasn't for the fact she's a large Samoan. It's not her Palagi side tossing that rock is it? Her brother Steven? Yeah well he's only in the NBA to sell shirts. In New Zealand alone 100 have been sold in South Auckland alone. You know they aren't really into basketball those South Aucklanders. Too busy ruining the Blues rugby dynasty. The players are the problem, Islanders, can't communicate with JK. They need someone in Tana Umaga, a Wellingtonian who can teach them how to catch and pass. And read. Umaga was paid large six figures to front that campaign. The Blues have him for a steal.

Shaun Johnson? Hopeless. Only scored 512 points for the Warriors, not enough. The Warriors are in a total meltdown. Every year they should win the Premiership but they don't. Must be the ownership battles leading on to the field. Owen Glenn and Eric Watson can't decide whether the ball should go forward or back.

I don't know why New Zealanders bother watching cricket, rugby, league or our hopeless netballers. Just when the longer good their best players get pregnant or retire. Irene Van Dyk? Left the team in a total state. Not the best goal shooter that I've seen. Probably would have been better for New Zealand if she had stayed in South Africa. Netball has been in a decline since April Ieremia left to read the sports news.

Joseph Parker? Well he's fought bunnies really. Never been tested. Too slow and not big enough to make it past the next level. He should just quit and do what every old boxer does, train new ones.

House prices? Oh god don't get me started on the property market. I met a bloke last week who spoke a lot of sense Bernard Hickey. Yes he commentates on business how I do on sport. The glass is not only half empty but it is non-refillable.

Don't believe the rumours that we have both never been seen in the same gl....I mean room......

Editor - Chris Rattue is employed by the Sports New Zealand as a motivational lecturer and columnist.  Like any good Herald columnist he double dips in his regular missives in New Zealand's leading newspaper. Always looking at the negative, Rattue has embarked on a mission to ensure every New Zealand sportsman and woman gets to read an alternative perspective on their performance. When asked about rumours he was also in a commercial partnership with Gilbert Enoka, sports shrink to the stars Rattue responded that Enoka was "pretty bloody average really".