He sat alone with pen and paper in hand. Waiting and scoping the danger. His hat pulled down and scarf wound tight as he strokes his missing unkempt hair that used to straddle both sides of his head. A head so aching after his fifth attempt to quit smoking. The silence around him on Shortland Street that day could only mean one thing, he was about to break the biggest story that New Zealand had ever seen.
A shadowy man walks by and drops a SpongeBob USB stick at the table, he flinched nervously. This was the sort of once in a lifetime opportunity to master the craft of investigative features.
Our lone warrior takes the stick and shaking partially with excitement and partially from nicotine withdrawal he presses Spongebob's head carefully into his super encrypted computer that he had just a week ago entrusted to Ben Rachinger to secure. This offer was made after Rachinger showed him a Grinder message from Cameron Slater where Slater offered Rachinger $5.50 to hack our fearless reporter's computer. It had also been several months since his last contact with the trusted hacker known as "Rawshark" and the heat was now on again. He wondered what possibly could be next in this his multiple award winning career.
After spending the whole day on Twitter announcing this large scoop to come there was pressure from his colleagues and new-found acolytes like Martyn Bradbury and Lynn Prentice to perform with a massive "hit job". This would make his cut paste of Cameron Slater's emails look like what was - child's work. The complexity of this story was so wide-reaching he would need to work his entire contact book.
The stick starts up and a message flickers on the screen. "Matt Nippert your a traitorous bastard I'm going to get you". The file opened and the music played "bad boys bad boys what you gunna do what you gunna do when they come for you...". This was followed by thousands of files that looked like high scores from Call of Duty Modern Warfare 3. Kim Dot Com's favourite game he reminded himself and made another note in the NZME. corporate pad that had only recently replaced his Fairfax one.
The list of suspects was a long one as over the years his enemy count was large. Two former employers, one current employer, Mediaworks, Cameron Slater, Carrick Graham, Keith Ng and Ben Rachinger himself. Finance company heads, Mrs Hubbard, the guy he stiffed for a beer in 1989 and Cheryl his ex-girlfriend from High School. And John Tamihere. Yes that bastard.
I get lost in the narrative and revert to first or is it third person? The stress in this past few weeks has taken its toll and my employer is about to insist I go to Bali for some well needed beach time but we all know if I go on holiday shit will happen in the karma universe; like my kid gets sick in a third world country or our luggage gets lost and I am left wearing Crocs and "Bali Nine" memorial tee. The pressure is huge from NZME. for me to compete in the presence of Rod Emmerson, Fisher, Savage, O'Sullivan, Manhire, Glucina (good news she's left - Ed), Braunias and the new guy Gilbert. The story was going to take calls to all three of my contacts outside Rawshark, document destruction bin employees Mike, Karl and Doug. I don't dig for dirt I dig for paper.
My biggest scoop of 2014 needed to be scooped itself and I was hot on the trail to nipping it with a bud (erg no Matt - Ed). I was promised conclusive evidence that indeed Mark Hotchin has had a gender reassignment and was now selling timeshare as Katewin in the state of Utah. This story is huge. A game changer a cracking story.
Hotchin is rumoured to have employed Slater, Odgers and Graham (The SGO to those in the know - Ed) once again this time to work to undermine with the intention of removing Thomas S Monson who is currently investigating pressing civil and criminal charges against all gender reassignments in the State. The significance of this shouldn't be lost on New Zealanders, if Slater, Odgers and Graham pull this one off it will be the first time since 1834 an attempt has been made to remove or even punish a Mormon President. A man so rich and powerful he is allowed to have more than one wife. (Or stupid - Ed). It has been hard to talk to the main players. Graham unavailable, Slater ignoring me. Odgers leaves a voicemail with the words f*** off c*** (language please - Ed). I have tried to link in Jacinda Ardern as she used to be a Mormon and I suspect Slater, Odgers and Graham (The SGO - Ed) are taking orders from the National Party on this one.
I sit alone at the table with my head in my hands wondering where to now. Just as I am having an epihany using a corporate structure diagram technique I learned after delving into the rubbish bin and pencil sketching over the QC's loose notepad scraps at Speight's Ale House in Timaru during South Canterbury Finance's court case coverage, there is a waft of the cigarette I am longing for mixed in with what I recognise as scent from The Shakespeare. (sentence a bit long, reconstruct - Ed)
A long slender finger touches my shoulder and whispers gently into my ear "Hi Matthew honey I have been expecting you". I turn around and realise it's fucking Braunias who has brought along Fisher and they are pissing themselves laughing.
The lads have set me up.
Editor - Matt Nippert is an investigations reporter bent on business. A Fulbright scholar with a Masters from the Columbia School of Journalism in New York but still no Wolfson, he has spent the past decade in newsbreaking roles at the New Zealand Listener, National Business Review, Herald on Sunday and the Sunday Star-Times. In fact there isn't a paper he hasn't worked at and resigned from. His stories include sensationalising South Canterbury Finance, lazily sketching New Zealand corporate structures diagrams with conmen and organised crime figures, and being a tool for John Key in the sudden assassination of Judith Collins following the Rawshark hack. Nippert regularly appears as a broadcast commentator and is one of only a few journalists who asks his accountant friend Steve to look at numbers and spreadsheets. His public PEP key can be found here.
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