Being Cameron Slater - By Giovanni Tiso

So I'm sitting in my pyjamas scratching my scalp this midday already on the fifth straight hour on Twitter. I mull over Juventus losing the Champions League final and wondering still why the peak of my career has been coming second to Whaleoil in the Canon Blog of the Year 2014. 

I mean I spent hours submitting a bilingual entry in English and my native Italian, Ciao Bello. DON’T THE JUDGES GET IT!  I am a minority. I've battled the lira and then the Euro and I can't beat a Whale?

My daughter even said I should have beaten that fat loathsome sloth. She's autistic don’t you know?  (yes we all do - Ed). She is much smarter than Whaleoil so I am teaching her all about Twitter to build up the family dynasty. I spend 19 hours a day on Twitter but don't tell my wife “the Italian's Bride”, she's more supportive than Whaleoil’s wife Spanish Bride. I'll take the money out of the mouths of her children. Evil Spaniards. 

Barcelona rely on Messi and Neymar and an Italian team would have won if they had both been injured, the game was played in Italy not Germany and Luis Suarez had been suspended for the season like we can rely on him usually to achieve. If only someone in Barcelona was as vigilant about Twitter campaigns as I am they could have demanded Spanish only players. These imports are a disgrace. My Italian heritage is pure and true even if we do now live in Wellington. We still have a duty to complain about the price of petrol on family holidays and abuse politicians. It is in our culture. It is what has brought me to the top of the Twitter tree in New Zealand. I am better at Twitter than Whaleoil.

My campaign against John Tamihere was the best. I slayed him. I performed some “Chaos and Mayhem” on his lying, cheating fraudulent backside. It was a perfect job and one that's established myself as New Zealand's most effective tool of corporate destruction.  Matthew Hooton noticed this and offered me a job so I must be good.  I frequently daydream about that moment; the attention, the set up, the support and thousands of people cheering me on backing feminism. It was powerful and strong.  I felt powerful and strong and adrenalin pumped through my body daily as I got up to prepare for another long hard day on Twitter. I have ruined more companies now than Rafa Benitez has ruined football clubs. For the seven of you reading my blog who need explanation, that is a lot. He's Spanish. I then roll quietly on the carpet by the couch dreaming of my time protesting the price of Pata Negra one dull afternoon outside the metro line in Battistini.

As I was looking through documents for Nicky Hager in Dirty Politics in an attempt to bring down my nemesis, I saw loving caring emails from Carrick Graham to Whaleoil and decided that my strategy would be simple. If I can ruin a career or a large corporate with a single Twitter campaign then I could monetise this. All I need is my own Carrick Graham and I can do this. I can sit at home all day pretending to be on the edge of the abyss as I caregive to my family, I am the nice guy defending the little guy and I have people and corporates pay me not to ruin their product or career online.   Surely no one else has thought of this before? 

I have already tweeted this morning Matt Nippert, Keith Ng and David Fisher. I encourage them with useful tips I picked up from my friend Russell Brown. He's not Italian but should be (yes - Ed). I speak with a new immigrant Marco I want to train to be like Pete. I know Pete writes Whaleoil's blog. I should have won that award as I was up against more than just Whaleoil. He lied. He cheated, the fat illiterate idiot. He had a team of writers filling his page. I need staff!  

I was asked to edit the Overland Journal recently.  It was a joy and one I spent thousands of hours perfecting (it might have been only 10 if you didn't spend all day on Twitter - Ed). It is a crowning achievement right up there with third in the Petone Italian speech contest in 2008. The Overland Journal is a real publication so not like that Truth. I don't know why I am not on radio as I performed magnificently with Kim Hill. A man of my influence and charisma they should be rolling over themselves to sign me up to broadcast in my pyjamas from the couch while I watch the fabulous Al Jazeera in the background. I am currently boycotting TV3 but lifted the boycott to watch that slug on The Nation because it is good current affairs. Don't tell anyone given we aren't meant to watch it after John Campbell's departure.

I re-read this column that should be published on Sunday to balance Rodney Hide's right wing garbage and the Italian's bride comes home and asks me what I have done all day. I tell her.

She scoffs and mutters something like she might as well go live with Whaleoil.

I get a Twitter notification. Whaleoil is receiving two cellphones from Spark. Wow. Let's see about that shall we..........

Editor - Sadly Giovanni Tiso did not win the Canon Best Blog Award in 2015. He did not mount a campaign against the eventual winner.  Yesterday after an intense day of campaigning Spark admitted they didn't actually sponsor Whaleoil but gave him two phones for free specifically because it would annoy Tiso.