Tuesday, September 1, 2015

Self-indulgent Spoiled Brats of the World Unite! - by V for Verity Johnson





You have nothing to lose but your brains (Ed - what little there is of them).
Verity Johnson’s Opinion (Ed - which one, there appears many)



The end of the world is nigh. Only a couple of months to go. There will be mayhem. Blood and vomit will run freely in the gutters. The city’s bars will heave with the bodies of us bright young things celebrating our last hours at university where we have fooled the nation and masqueraded as students.
For this has been my final year. What to do, what to do? No problem. 

A humble reader of the liberal arts, a leftie such as I will have no trouble finding an income. I have always been told how bright I am.  But being of an independent and radical spirit and mind, I eschewed the tedium of a law degree. Law? Pffft. Not for me the constraints of being seen to be successful. Of course we all know that a law degree is there for the smartest school leavers, such as me, while the dross drift off to medicine, nuclear physics, finding cures for cancer or novel ways to earthquake strengthen bridges, but even though all my colleagues, as one, clamoured, “Verity Johnson: Do Law. Public Policy Law. Constitutional Law. You’ll be a Queen’s Counsel by age 25. A Supreme Court Judge at 26. You’ll succeed Dame Sian Elias!” I simply turned and walked into the Department of Liberal Arts. My tender soul would break to witness those thousands and thousands of graduating tax lawyers who really dream of being tap dancers.

And as the comments which follow my column proved, we don’t need lawyers. They are as useful as rich people on Instagram. Yes, I hate rich people on Instagram, that’s why I follow them incessantly. Don’t ask me why; it’s the one answer I can’t give you. I can tell you why it’s a good thing taxpayers finance such a bloody huge number of mature students, and how lovely they are, just because my Mum is one of them. I can tell you why having a Hooters Restaurant is a damn fine idea even though I think Dominic Harvey is a cock. But I don’t know why I’m obsessed with rich people. Oh, and Max Key. I love Max Key, and follow all his latest antics.

Damn that he’s got that blonde chic when I’m so beautiful – didn’t he read my column about my trip to Turkey? When I went to Turkey I couldn’t walk down the street for men asking me to marry them, tell me they loved me, how sexy I am  – even old women grabbed me to tell me I was “so beautiful”.

Just being such a hottie will get me a job next year for sure – just like that Alex Hazelnut, or whatever her name was.  Oh and remember everyone look at me I am on Twitter too.

When I grow up, I wanna be just like Deborah Hill Cone. I met her in Parnell and we fan-girled instantly. You shoulda seen it. Magic Doll. I’m the natural successor to her column, even if she couldn’t hack it at university. And we’re both trying hard to be rebels, in our own CafĂ© Revolutionary style. (Ed - we spoke last week and sorry to tell you that she thinks you are a little c***).

But when it comes to real rebelliousness I have to hand it to Anela Pritchard, that college kid who was off to Oz and had a massive meltdown over her teachers in her school speech before she left.  

Now that was ballsy. I haven’t seen rebelliousness like that since I had a tantrum in Farro Fresh supermarket when Mummy wouldn’t buy me a case of organic biogro Californian Chardonnay. I threw myself on the ground (making sure my Stuart Weitzman boots weren’t too close to the Kale) and howled. Then when my brother said, “Check your privilege, Verity” I had to repeat the process all over.

Thanks man, sometimes the stress in the day of a bright young thing is too bally much.

Editor's Note - Verity Johnson is a weekly columnist for the NZ Herald and her articles, in her own modest words, are “pretty damn awesome”.  I don't know if we pay her, maybe someone should check as if we do I may have to "Dita De Boni" her for budgetary reasons. She is also a weetbix addict, Max Key addict, and self-described leftie. She sucks her thumb, likes big hair, and says she’s a part-time hypochondriac. I guess this is what she means when she says she performs comedy. Lol. We think she’s a little confused but look forward to her maturing and winning a wall of media awards for humour like her heroine, Deborah Hill Cone.

She currently is second in the running to Jeeves Clifton in the audition.