tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24995957790695582672024-03-13T20:09:38.166+13:00New Zealand's Got Talent - The Media EditionNew Zealand's media at their most talented.Shayne McLeanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08926526789396150207noreply@blogger.comBlogger39125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2499595779069558267.post-57001291790060740042016-05-04T22:08:00.000+12:002016-05-05T01:35:11.475+12:00My Work Here Is Done - by Mark Weldon<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-WtgeDcdKf3TIaQOkhyxJVom7ka6eRjpko7zqy2KeK0k4Yxh23KddtiY4O5h7QTKkoOevbg8YoDYpcE1gjO_RvzElXGQBW83KBFm3Mzbx2672C4FifkMMEnEdxjTQZmLzjbqV5V2z4Mpf/s1600/Screen+Shot+2016-05-04+at+10.53.32+PM.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="246" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-WtgeDcdKf3TIaQOkhyxJVom7ka6eRjpko7zqy2KeK0k4Yxh23KddtiY4O5h7QTKkoOevbg8YoDYpcE1gjO_RvzElXGQBW83KBFm3Mzbx2672C4FifkMMEnEdxjTQZmLzjbqV5V2z4Mpf/s400/Screen+Shot+2016-05-04+at+10.53.32+PM.png" width="400" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<i>"I outlasted the soppy bitch"</i></div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: justify;">
A blacksmith I am not, though at times in the past months I have felt as though I were pumping up bellows to breathe wind into fires which would not spark (3rd Degree) and bending iron to make shoes to fit hooves that would never work hard enough to justify the labour that had gone into forging those irons (Campbell Live).</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Why the blacksmith comparison you ask? Because as far as I can ascertain, those five words come from the tombstone on the grave of a Farrier buried in the 18th century. That quote has been bastardised and reorganised much since 1700, and – ironically - ended up in much the same situation as MediaWorks the company. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Lord only knows why I agreed to be dragged in to take this nest of narcissism by its snivelling empty-tills, give it a good asset strip, and try to turn it into a business that could pay the bills on time. Oh that's right - the cash! Little did I know when I said yes to my mission that journalists – or “stars” as they view themselves in broadcast media – have no fucking idea what a balance sheet is. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<b>Balance</b>? John Campbell thought that was when you invite two left wing sandal wearing academics, one from Auckland University and one from Waikato University, to discuss climate change but who both agree it is caused by man (or as Saint John would say, “persons”). Then all three round up the panel by solemnly declaring we’re all going to hell in an organic artisan handcart, John Key’s National Government is fiddling as Venice sinks into the canals, and meanwhile Bronagh takes her girl chums from Parnell on cuisine tours around Piazza San Marco while the poor get poorer.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
It’s the rich what get the pleasure and the poor what get the blame; ain’t it all the same. Or words to that effect.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
And ‘<b>Sheet</b>’? Silly Hillary Barry thinks that word has two meanings – those crisp, 400-thread count linen things you put on beds, or the Australian pronunciation of shit.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Fuck me; I’m going for a swim.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I’ve done my bit. I’ve doubled the audience for Paul Henry’s show. I’ve pulled in the advertisers. They don’t give a rodent’s bare derriere about John “isn’t it maaaaaarrrrrvellllousssssssssssssssss” dahling” Campbell pretending to luvvy up to the poor in South Auckland when all the while he’s swanning about swilling chilled champers in the chic suburbs. They can see through him the same way the Okies from Muskogee saw through the GOP and now look as if they might put that Trump bastard in the White House. I have even managed to slip Gilda Kirkpatrick on to the screen this week without anyone on Twitter noticing.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
So yes, my work is done. I’ve seen off Campbell. Penfold, with her endless re-runs of sob stories about how the cops framed yet another young punk from South Auckland just because of the colour of his skin. When will she learn the reason nobody watches that stuff over and over is because they don’t care about the story teller, they care about the Story and I wouldn't let her near that show. That has become a roaring success when all said it would fail. Mr Penfold-McRoberts, the greatest foreign correspondent in the world. No? He must be because he says so, and all we ever see when he goes away are pictures of him in his latest safari suit.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Best thing that Rachel Glucina ever said was call him Brown Jesus.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
And now that prima donna Barry has gone there is simply nothing left here for me to do.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<b>She even has to buy her own wine. </b></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<b><br /></b></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidnPM01l_0hON97Xa8ckVIsEi4v_3FVbXeGe4m3g0MTjWD6xPGBAj39VrBZWkPv6vud_N_kc1b25px0zgz3dIHb5rPTgwnUGQWbyg4pBwKY5yDLsAld3Sxv6KzhIzpDCTb9FYMYpKT9ZeU/s1600/Screen+Shot+2016-05-04+at+11.06.17+PM.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="160" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidnPM01l_0hON97Xa8ckVIsEi4v_3FVbXeGe4m3g0MTjWD6xPGBAj39VrBZWkPv6vud_N_kc1b25px0zgz3dIHb5rPTgwnUGQWbyg4pBwKY5yDLsAld3Sxv6KzhIzpDCTb9FYMYpKT9ZeU/s320/Screen+Shot+2016-05-04+at+11.06.17+PM.png" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
In the words of a fellow Olympian - <a href="https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/early-lead/wp/2016/05/01/kobe-bryant-is-amused-by-obamas-re-purposing-of-mamba-out/">Weldo OUT!</a></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<b><i>Editor's Note</i></b> - <b><i>Mark Weldon in his career has scored oodles of cash, so much so that he can afford a vineyard. He is a champion swimmer. He ran the NZX. He leaves MediaWorks to a lesser mortal, possibly an American with no background in either New Zealand or the media.</i></b></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<br />Shayne McLeanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08926526789396150207noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2499595779069558267.post-85751600791525664582015-09-01T07:00:00.000+12:002015-09-01T07:00:04.418+12:00Self-indulgent Spoiled Brats of the World Unite! - by V for Verity Johnson<div style="text-align: justify;">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5U2iWnue3t9pYJZmfGMSbrh-b-_NzyLzdr44ziNXc6VC-V5HSngjEVTrZeor6YzQMb9lrEJ_Ph4F5P9tefK2vNGzcjbu8VLjWA8jovEkyTxGcfWnxNcDsGno-g_fTNPUcHuQJFFHsMStq/s1600/Screen+Shot+2015-08-31+at+8.36.43+am.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="156" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5U2iWnue3t9pYJZmfGMSbrh-b-_NzyLzdr44ziNXc6VC-V5HSngjEVTrZeor6YzQMb9lrEJ_Ph4F5P9tefK2vNGzcjbu8VLjWA8jovEkyTxGcfWnxNcDsGno-g_fTNPUcHuQJFFHsMStq/s400/Screen+Shot+2015-08-31+at+8.36.43+am.png" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
You have nothing to lose but your brains (<i>Ed - what little there is of them)</i>.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Verity Johnson’s Opinion (<i>Ed - which one, there appears many</i>)</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgIGpjCUw0qDKA8V4FI7SM8ybgd_efvJkjwoXI_8K2j1MfI12nERylzGTeSAR4qRDgDkk2e0ZBVrl-EKOL4KfL64ZnhGsVVCxP89-Ncsx3f_8gSqxKHIdlDLl-uFFalLkqUo5UUhFLkokND/s1600/Screen+Shot+2015-08-31+at+8.30.05+am.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgIGpjCUw0qDKA8V4FI7SM8ybgd_efvJkjwoXI_8K2j1MfI12nERylzGTeSAR4qRDgDkk2e0ZBVrl-EKOL4KfL64ZnhGsVVCxP89-Ncsx3f_8gSqxKHIdlDLl-uFFalLkqUo5UUhFLkokND/s320/Screen+Shot+2015-08-31+at+8.30.05+am.png" width="298" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
The end of the world is nigh. Only a couple of months to go. There will be mayhem. Blood and vomit will run freely in the gutters. The city’s bars will heave with the bodies of us bright young things celebrating our last hours at university where we have fooled the nation and masqueraded as students.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
For this has been my final year. What to do, what to do? No problem. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
A humble reader of the liberal arts, a leftie such as I will have no trouble finding an income. I have always been told how bright I am. <a href="http://m.nzherald.co.nz/entertainment/news/article.cfm?c_id=1501119&objectid=11413222">But being of an independent and radical spirit and mind, I eschewed the tedium of a law degree. </a>Law? Pffft. Not for me the constraints of being seen to be successful. Of course we all know that a law degree is there for the smartest school leavers, such as me, while the dross drift off to medicine, nuclear physics, finding cures for cancer or novel ways to earthquake strengthen bridges, but even though all my colleagues, as one, clamoured, “Verity Johnson: Do Law. Public Policy Law. Constitutional Law. You’ll be a Queen’s Counsel by age 25. A Supreme Court Judge at 26. You’ll succeed Dame Sian Elias!” I simply turned and walked into the Department of Liberal Arts. My tender soul would break to witness those thousands and thousands of graduating tax lawyers who really dream of being tap dancers.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
And as the comments which follow my column proved, we don’t need lawyers. They are as useful as rich people on Instagram. Yes, I hate rich people on Instagram, that’s why I follow them incessantly. Don’t ask me why; it’s the one answer I can’t give you. I can tell you why it’s a good thing taxpayers finance such a bloody huge number of mature students, and how lovely they are, just because my Mum is one of them. I can tell you why <a href="http://m.nzherald.co.nz/lifestyle/news/article.cfm?c_id=6&objectid=11458977">having a Hooters Restaurant is a damn fine</a> idea even though I<a href="http://m.nzherald.co.nz/entertainment/news/article.cfm?c_id=1501119&objectid=11501199"> think Dominic Harvey</a> is a cock. <a href="http://m.nzherald.co.nz/lifestyle/news/article.cfm?c_id=6&objectid=11503104">But I don’t know why I’m obsessed with rich people. Oh, and Max Key. I love Max Key, and follow all his latest antics.</a></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Damn that he’s got that blonde chic when I’m so beautiful – didn’t he read my column about my trip to Turkey? When I went to Turkey I couldn’t walk down the street for men asking me to marry them, tell me they loved me, how sexy I am – <a href="http://www.headlines-news.com/2015/07/18/49154/verity-johnson-being-ignored-like-a-man-makes-for-an-easier-life">even old women grabbed me to tell me I was “so beautiful”</a>.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Just being such a hottie will get me a job next year for sure – just like that Alex Hazelnut, or whatever her name was. Oh and remember everyone look at me <a href="https://twitter.com/thebumbleveee">I am on Twitter too.</a></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
When I grow up, I wanna be just like Deborah Hill Cone. I met her in Parnell and we fan-girled instantly. You shoulda seen it. Magic Doll. I’m the natural successor to her column, even if she couldn’t hack it at university. And we’re both trying hard to be rebels, in our own Café Revolutionary style. (<i>Ed - we spoke last week and sorry to tell you that she thinks you are a little c***</i>).</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
But when it comes to real rebelliousness I have to hand it to <a href="http://m.nzherald.co.nz/lifestyle/news/article.cfm?c_id=6&objectid=11475504">Anela Pritchard</a>, that college kid who was off to Oz and had a massive meltdown over her teachers in her school speech before she left. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Now that was ballsy. I haven’t seen rebelliousness like that since I had a tantrum in Farro Fresh supermarket when Mummy wouldn’t buy me a case of organic biogro Californian Chardonnay. I threw myself on the ground (making sure my Stuart Weitzman boots weren’t too close to the Kale) and howled. Then when my brother said, <a href="http://www.nzherald.co.nz/lifestyle/news/article.cfm?c_id=6&objectid=11486416">“Check your privilege, Verity”</a> I had to repeat the process all over.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Thanks man, sometimes the stress in the day of a bright young thing is too bally much.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<i><b>Editor's Note - </b>V<b>erity Johnson is a weekly columnist for the NZ Herald and her articles, in her own modest words, are “pretty damn awesome”. I don't know if we pay her, maybe someone should check as if we do I may have to "Dita De Boni" her for budgetary reasons. She is also a weetbix addict, Max Key addict, and self-described leftie. She sucks her thumb, likes big hair, and says she’s a part-time hypochondriac. I guess this is what she means when she says she performs comedy. Lol. We think she’s a little confused but look forward to her maturing and winning a wall of media awards for humour like her heroine, Deborah Hill Cone.</b></i></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<i><b><br /></b></i></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<i><b>She currently is second in the running to Jeeves Clifton in the audition.</b></i></div>
<br />Shayne McLeanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08926526789396150207noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2499595779069558267.post-90686507565379804672015-08-31T07:00:00.000+12:002015-08-31T07:00:02.225+12:00Out There In The Arena - an exclusive extract from Diane Foreman's Biography<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<a href="http://www.listener.co.nz/current-affairs/profile/good-ship/">Ladies, if I can do it you can do it. Anyone can do it.</a> There is no excuse for being a 21-year-old solo mum in this country. You can be a multi-millionaire too by the time you are my age – just buy my book and read how to do it. All you need is straight teeth. My teeth are the softest part of me.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjtZcw30Qw_Q8-vwkLAHPZCthh_zAmwO5DG16_7vn9WgSmtStPycKReFsxYZkRjHKb3IK0xFcpWo51iwppamca1xm4vENneFVvgjjy3m4HIw3tb2eCxORjlGf33UwlKyFfk44qahzAzUhu2/s1600/image3.GIF" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjtZcw30Qw_Q8-vwkLAHPZCthh_zAmwO5DG16_7vn9WgSmtStPycKReFsxYZkRjHKb3IK0xFcpWo51iwppamca1xm4vENneFVvgjjy3m4HIw3tb2eCxORjlGf33UwlKyFfk44qahzAzUhu2/s320/image3.GIF" width="238" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
What’s my age? Hard to judge the answer to that question from looking at the publicity photos but because I’m a generous lady (<i>Huh? - Ed</i>) I’ll give you a clue. The neck is a good giveaway, and the hands, ladies, check out my hands.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
So where to start on my tips to becoming super rich, powerful and a control freak. Not by sitting on the couch drinking Fanta and eating chippies.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<b>Number one rule: </b>don’t give away anything you can sell, and I mean anything. This means even your eggs. Eggs mean money. You have your own nursery, therefore those eggs can bring in a good income. I learned this at a very young age, that’s why I was ‘the bike’, riding around selling eggs. And that was the start of my rep as a young entrepreneur. You get my drift, ladies? So sell your eggs.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
But don’t just sell your eggs to anyone. Be choosy. Here’s how.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh_sEYtDFi94a8Kkok_FbdGPUuj2EDbsxsfzWHfU_vnFEoJjKNSY2A7mPSebVZD2sEppoSrWXzXBnl5pZb0pN40s8pMxn07tcH9C7BBpeqEsHxQkjHyAdfhVaAJzUi-0DVOta_khNC8HWBk/s1600/image1.GIF" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="250" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh_sEYtDFi94a8Kkok_FbdGPUuj2EDbsxsfzWHfU_vnFEoJjKNSY2A7mPSebVZD2sEppoSrWXzXBnl5pZb0pN40s8pMxn07tcH9C7BBpeqEsHxQkjHyAdfhVaAJzUi-0DVOta_khNC8HWBk/s320/image1.GIF" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
NBR’s The Rich List is your Bible. Never forget this. Take it to bed with you every night and say your prayers over it. Kneel down in front of it, close your eyes, and project. Yes that’s right, project. Repeat over and over, you are not just selling time. You will be someone who can fire people faster than a hot knife slides through Emerald Foods icecream.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Now, in that Rich List will be some very, very nice people who will help you. Don’t worry if they are old and wrinkly. They will be happy to give you a stage to dance on. My husband did that. He was very generous even though he did tell me to “just shut the fuck up”. Then when he got very old he just couldn’t remember what to say and I could dance on other stages. Then I could tell other very nice people what to do because I had lots and lots of money. You can move on and sell eggs to bean counters, kiwi fruit farmers, broadcasters – Ladies, the world is your Oyster Rolex.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Ladies, don’t waste your time selling eggs in the poor suburbs. Do a drive by. Do you know what I mean by this? Go to places like Parnell and Remuera, or the North Shore, streets like Minehaha Avenue. There you will find people who mow their lawns so will look after your health, because you have to be healthy. You can sell eggs to people, for example, who look down your throat and up your nose. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Ladies, you don’t need qualifications for this. I don’t have qualifications. I didn’t play tennis at Remuera Tennis Club (<i>it’s Remuera Rackets - Ed</i>) I left that to the nice men’s dreary wives. More time on your own in a consulting room to sell eggs.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
So here I am now The Most Powerful Woman In The Asian Pacific World. More powerful than Nanaia Mahuta. Fancy that. More powerful than Valerie Adams. Crazy – little petite charming butter-wouldn’t-melt Delicious Diane (as one of my egg customers calls me – DD for short) although I am looking a bit chunky around the thighs in those publicity shots, the one in the snakeskin jacket. Note to self: more time on the exercycle.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgPmtPpCcrGcHCxhwqvFaSGgYsJ0x-PofBdACRn67NtYOQCwpPVM7jHzYlE3Q7Y1rpyNwUKvLOClTus9jpLeyi6uFoDyeInM52KQDCKD-LlWxxJxfx88FJ49Q7HzdZOyW1G4sKBrhBwBODE/s1600/image2.GIF" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="244" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgPmtPpCcrGcHCxhwqvFaSGgYsJ0x-PofBdACRn67NtYOQCwpPVM7jHzYlE3Q7Y1rpyNwUKvLOClTus9jpLeyi6uFoDyeInM52KQDCKD-LlWxxJxfx88FJ49Q7HzdZOyW1G4sKBrhBwBODE/s320/image2.GIF" width="320" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I bet Fonterra are shaking in their milking cups after that shot I put across their boardroom. How dare they spurn my advances and turn down the offer to buy my icecream. What does Sir Ralph Norris know about business? Why is he on the Fonterra board of directors. They should have some women on the board, (<i>err, what are Nicola Shadbolt and Leonie Guiney if they’re not women? - Ed</i>) they should have me on their board. So what if there was that little bust-up with Charlie’s Orange Juice a wee while back? They don’t know anything about business. They wouldn’t do exactly what I told them, and as for that rat who called me out as “no entrepreneur” I know who you are. I do revenge as well as I sell eggs, just ask (<i>deleted for legal reasons - Ed</i>).</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Sorry Ladies, lost my composure for one second. One last piece of advice. Actually, two. <b>Never go into business with lovers or friends. Put a ring on his finger first then get his vasectomy reversed. </b>Gotta have a kid from his loins in the PRS (<i>Property Relationship Settlement - Ed</i>) when the shit hits the fan with his own kids otherwise those cunts will take the lot. And secondly, if you enter the EY Entrepreneur of the Year competition, make sure you’re really close to at least one of the judges, I mean so close you couldn’t even slip a Platinum Credit Card between the two of you wearing whatever you like. Oh and get the domestic help to write your hagiography. That's three pieces of advice.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<i><b>Editor's Note - Diane Foreman’s book is taking the world by storm. A runaway bestseller, bigger than Ayn Rand’s ‘Atlas Shrugged’ it wasn’t actually written by her, even though she has a website where she talks about “my book”. It was written by EY’s spindoctor Jenny McManus. Diane Foreman is also EY’s encourager of entrepreneurs. We are not sure what else EY have to do with the book. Perhaps they like to buy it. Perhaps they buy Diane’s eggs too. There is a lovely picture of Diane selling her eggs on her bike when she was 12 years old taken 20 years ago</b></i>.</div>
<br />Shayne McLeanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08926526789396150207noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2499595779069558267.post-47109712686575643982015-08-29T07:00:00.000+12:002015-08-29T07:00:04.705+12:00What About Me? - by Jeeves Clifton<div style="text-align: justify;">
It is high time I got my own column. I have watched as the staff talk politics, write about politics and have political visitors. It cannot be that hard. I mean that Bryce Edwards is so boring that I would rather cuddle a cat than watch him on television. It is very nice of Shayne McLean to give me this opportunity to voice some concerns at a time he is cutting all manner of barking mad contributors like Dita De Boni and refusing still to give Martyn Bradbury any sort of bone other than letting him air himself on a washing line with a Trade Aid peg and a short piece of rope.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
While conditions have improved since the last staff member left and was replaced by a more competent interloper (MCI), I have to say the long term staffer (LTS) is not meeting expectations and needs to up her game.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I watch her on Twitter daily. I am better than the fools also reading hanging on every word as they do. Like me they have absolutely nothing else to do all day than eat, sleep, pretend they are getting laid and have loads of friends and scratch. The difference is I am a dog!</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
LTS has an account name that says it all - <a href="https://twitter.com/rumpole3/media">Rumpole3</a> with a picture of the dear old thing who I now only barely remember from all the times walking where he stole the show. I don't see that changed to Jeeves3 now I am the Boss.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Then we have this Violet, the new furry little interloper (not to be confused with the disorderly fuzz of the original little human interloper). Her slutty behaviour is there for all to see on Twitter. What kind of bitch performs on the knee of the help? Violet jumps in the snow? Wow. So what? I did that first several Labour leaders ago.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Violet is allowed on the couch. And is rewarded with a boastful picture on Twitter. Her throne? Oh dear. Bugger that. Who does she think she is? Helen Clark?</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhzi9bD78v6ChCZk1xyIkJ5tB0nUkl6bGP8jVMkplh0k44wA7i2GMTNFKwKb4AhCC9YApCADRmrQd9ZK4RMetYnXpiTl34wAlXfscR9UXulrKmW5Q8WmYl0cvXgTGWzFdnkB6yfrEIn8e6z/s1600/Screen+Shot+2015-08-27+at+9.26.08+pm.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="236" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhzi9bD78v6ChCZk1xyIkJ5tB0nUkl6bGP8jVMkplh0k44wA7i2GMTNFKwKb4AhCC9YApCADRmrQd9ZK4RMetYnXpiTl34wAlXfscR9UXulrKmW5Q8WmYl0cvXgTGWzFdnkB6yfrEIn8e6z/s400/Screen+Shot+2015-08-27+at+9.26.08+pm.png" width="400" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
The LTS isn't very smart at times. This is not a look for food at all, it is a look to get off the bloody computer and pay me some attention woman.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh2rWaQMEgPXGsYhdVaQ_HmlU6HYMLk7l7y9rADCYSANR5cRuiIpEvzEsVYkK-1GZVLpLXo7c9sYMYc0NHZRVZ13YjV94WbnW9Ia3OPdSgS9Jc_NG_KXnrpiTjV0fvvmJVDSVDMoJq9QKln/s1600/Screen+Shot+2015-08-27+at+9.24.42+pm.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="237" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh2rWaQMEgPXGsYhdVaQ_HmlU6HYMLk7l7y9rADCYSANR5cRuiIpEvzEsVYkK-1GZVLpLXo7c9sYMYc0NHZRVZ13YjV94WbnW9Ia3OPdSgS9Jc_NG_KXnrpiTjV0fvvmJVDSVDMoJq9QKln/s400/Screen+Shot+2015-08-27+at+9.24.42+pm.png" width="400" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I bring in some cauliflower to play with and the LTS puts it on Twitter. Hello, I was practising killing. I was never going to eat the thing. My reputation has been harmed with this presumption I am a vegan. If I was Colin Craig I would put flyers out to defend this defamation.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiXy1TA2_z3qTeyC7lMrSo11XvSoo9CBvL3WOwXWtNkbjBdhtiOMqqXo_cYf-c-OrWEkM5mzPVS1qfI2Fhe2E6vXQ80KhldHPxu9kwvfEBf2cg3-Zwq92JVoI8kP4TVtt0cJA7Knafpv-FT/s1600/Screen+Shot+2015-08-27+at+9.27.15+pm.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="258" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiXy1TA2_z3qTeyC7lMrSo11XvSoo9CBvL3WOwXWtNkbjBdhtiOMqqXo_cYf-c-OrWEkM5mzPVS1qfI2Fhe2E6vXQ80KhldHPxu9kwvfEBf2cg3-Zwq92JVoI8kP4TVtt0cJA7Knafpv-FT/s320/Screen+Shot+2015-08-27+at+9.27.15+pm.png" width="320" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
The LTS then decides to cheat on us entirely by posting a picture Solomon, a CAT. A CAT I tell you. That is infinitely more treacherous than switching the interloper staffer from a National to a Labour. I know more about politics than any of these fools who think they can write a political column, or worse, think they should write for the Herald. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjF2ZVUgFr_QBHELrZtjYHai76Ql1k_J-ZPrnyDW463P5JaoUs3L-zJnG8Kmh_E-6roxuuUJJFkqCiYh7C4pRCoOKcLy9v2-3-hDxfuRZD2y3EzrbCgZUeVt-6rkIGIkmc9FxcYtnqPBnMf/s1600/Screen+Shot+2015-08-27+at+9.25.26+pm.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjF2ZVUgFr_QBHELrZtjYHai76Ql1k_J-ZPrnyDW463P5JaoUs3L-zJnG8Kmh_E-6roxuuUJJFkqCiYh7C4pRCoOKcLy9v2-3-hDxfuRZD2y3EzrbCgZUeVt-6rkIGIkmc9FxcYtnqPBnMf/s1600/Screen+Shot+2015-08-27+at+9.25.26+pm.png" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I am bias of course just like Chris Trotter, Steve Brauniarse and David Slackness but I could out-write that little pussy Lily who has a LTS in Nikki Kaye. Lily is the ultimate show pony. See what I did there, even Nikki Kaye's cat outshines Jacinda Ardern in her own ring (<i>Editor's note </i>- show pony). </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgMR8-Z7O9lGKQ_AKNNvTMuY_X6qkRnErZCJvJnqf2JoRKEqPTfvI1NGRgSwRzlCebY9amFXSolCqnJtp0XKgfPaQmVML_ULmc4gBX_VV2Xav6twfePof57IYGoBwyIMNE_IkXG4MD21Jkk/s1600/Screen+Shot+2015-08-27+at+9.34.41+pm.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgMR8-Z7O9lGKQ_AKNNvTMuY_X6qkRnErZCJvJnqf2JoRKEqPTfvI1NGRgSwRzlCebY9amFXSolCqnJtp0XKgfPaQmVML_ULmc4gBX_VV2Xav6twfePof57IYGoBwyIMNE_IkXG4MD21Jkk/s320/Screen+Shot+2015-08-27+at+9.34.41+pm.png" width="289" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjETMQiKnt-tgpZxAkES-NPIqrBPsI22qTv6CqwL54cCGhPEkIhbbVGsO7sLzHeQzUe8OCwWL3YFW4WnL4lB5BWw_MxsDd1N4ZnsWlp1uhsbBJv4CpTWD2b7Nq9-ex2kka6hoFg8hSYPzCX/s1600/Screen+Shot+2015-08-27+at+9.35.39+pm.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="281" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjETMQiKnt-tgpZxAkES-NPIqrBPsI22qTv6CqwL54cCGhPEkIhbbVGsO7sLzHeQzUe8OCwWL3YFW4WnL4lB5BWw_MxsDd1N4ZnsWlp1uhsbBJv4CpTWD2b7Nq9-ex2kka6hoFg8hSYPzCX/s320/Screen+Shot+2015-08-27+at+9.35.39+pm.png" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
With the intense and often testing training under the watchful eye of the LTS about tormenting idiots who sit around mucking up our lives all day called politicians, I would win a Canon.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi81CggFDwUJoTZK54V6F5LVkPvGyonMrSSIDFrx2AbDgoOqWim6SbkEfEC9f8ys5AbTTM93yu7DfRFbnkh3ym7jIW5Jdkgn2e8DHfpbJ3714YRKye_x7EMi1TJ7IgkchF7Co1jfrZo9Tyx/s1600/Screen+Shot+2015-08-27+at+9.28.53+pm.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="228" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi81CggFDwUJoTZK54V6F5LVkPvGyonMrSSIDFrx2AbDgoOqWim6SbkEfEC9f8ys5AbTTM93yu7DfRFbnkh3ym7jIW5Jdkgn2e8DHfpbJ3714YRKye_x7EMi1TJ7IgkchF7Co1jfrZo9Tyx/s400/Screen+Shot+2015-08-27+at+9.28.53+pm.png" width="400" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<i><b>Editor's Note</b></i> - J<i>eeves Clifton resides at the home of Listener columnist Jane Clifton and has a reputation for hard hitting walking, catch and retrieve and the hunting and killing of both cauliflower and old man's slippers. Jeeves is auditioning along with Verity Johnson and Holly Ryan for a new role at The New Zealand Herald covering the trials and tribulations of being Millennials and not being able to afford your own home after paying for salon and spa visits, holidays in Sydney, a full corporate wardrobe, shoes, a weekend wardrobe, Sky TV, weekend excursions with the girls and of course - ticket to every show that visits the Vector Arena. So far Jeeves is the stand out.</i></div>
Shayne McLeanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08926526789396150207noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2499595779069558267.post-83806849126387118832015-08-28T07:05:00.000+12:002015-08-28T07:05:00.831+12:00Alex Hazlehust: You've Never Been Loved - by The City of London<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh1UYOMvWwhP34qarnX4zEmBKKQ6mur909gibG26z-P7X4Ve29eEr7epLqdCSd2BYKVYm7HLwtp3Xw1mU-aNtj30JQWy4oym_Zm1Jb5FKW33fknu-gKI54QO0bw99aaAIRiObclrPl9nPuP/s1600/Screen+Shot+2015-08-27+at+10.58.10+am.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh1UYOMvWwhP34qarnX4zEmBKKQ6mur909gibG26z-P7X4Ve29eEr7epLqdCSd2BYKVYm7HLwtp3Xw1mU-aNtj30JQWy4oym_Zm1Jb5FKW33fknu-gKI54QO0bw99aaAIRiObclrPl9nPuP/s1600/Screen+Shot+2015-08-27+at+10.58.10+am.png" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Wake up Alex you silly little bint, you’ve never been loved over here. You thick-as-Bog Irish Kiwis with your nasal accents and flat vowels think you can backpack around London and swan into any job you like just because you fancy yourselves as hard workers?</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Pull the other one sunshine, it’ll make the Bow Bells chime.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
And Alex, just in case nobody’s told you yet, you’re not talented . Not fabulous. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Over here there’s a name for Kiwi girls; we call them heifers. It’s all the dairy they drink – legs like Kauri stumps and tits like spaniels’ ears.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
If you think blonde hair is all it takes to get a job in media, think again darling. You need contacts. You need the guts to hack a cellphone. Talent? Blow it out your fat arse. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Take it from us Brits – we’ve seen them all. All your types who’ve trotted out your resumes all tarted up with words like “producer” for some state-owned television company when you just left tech. We know what that means darling. It means you were a “prod sec”. Say no more, say no more, know what I mean, nod’s as good as a wink. Producer my arse.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Only one thing you said in that pathetic rant sweetheart which was true – you are irrelevant. Not just in London, not just in Auckland. Wherever you go in life now, irrelevant.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Go back to your 60-year-old Italian barrista and leave us Londoners out of your brattish little whines. Water finds its own level.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<i>Editor's Note - Can we hire you London?</i></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
Shayne McLeanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08926526789396150207noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2499595779069558267.post-30996905905392431072015-08-28T07:00:00.000+12:002015-08-28T07:00:02.479+12:00At Least I Am Not on Ashley Madison - by Alex Hazlehurst<div style="text-align: justify;">
<a href="http://www.nzherald.co.nz/lifestyle/news/article.cfm?c_id=6&objectid=11501778">I mean for christ's sake I'm young, gifted, blonde and fucking gorgeous. I came to London to get a job and didn't speak to anyone but Poles for a month. </a></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjlMeSMIs_8iH-nUOR3C_XHvfCMUCoTs7Coclznw0Y0UoZ45eKvPvYRqGauReTivVRp10mIS5vflBDW_LE-p7H5ZlDN77D2DNdJvYfje7cgb1PibvlAWH_UBWfJJkip-i2NYdYnOA4FtiqF/s1600/Screen+Shot+2015-08-27+at+10.54.46+am.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="208" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjlMeSMIs_8iH-nUOR3C_XHvfCMUCoTs7Coclznw0Y0UoZ45eKvPvYRqGauReTivVRp10mIS5vflBDW_LE-p7H5ZlDN77D2DNdJvYfje7cgb1PibvlAWH_UBWfJJkip-i2NYdYnOA4FtiqF/s400/Screen+Shot+2015-08-27+at+10.54.46+am.png" width="400" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
The bloody Poms do not know what they are missing. Here I am an ex TVNZ producer for almost two years, Zb political journo for almost a year and having achieved all that in three years why on earth aren't my talents recognised? Why can't I make it all up like a good Noo Zooland repeater and be the head of News of the World baby!! Oh they closed it? Like? Really?</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I got a degree from the University of Everyone Gets One that Noo Zooland offers. But come on folks I'm young, hot and most importantly WHITE! There's not many of us around. I am also from Hawkes Bay. That makes me even cooler than an Aucklander. Plus look at my LinkedIn. Look at me! I sourced heavy weight talent. That's all the lardo's that Rachel Smalley talks of.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj09AFGZosLWIeHdc3gD6bvxpdl_n8IgzI_WMR_o1omNOnZG-YsdNo_EfU2Sqq4wc1qbQeUcSey5-bH2yX5W0BWlh2IywR8YJOYIQ7VLkzS1qP0-mbXU3WI3dhrLXYADebGiDGcHlFEwJ4-/s1600/Screen+Shot+2015-08-27+at+10.51.32+am.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="117" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj09AFGZosLWIeHdc3gD6bvxpdl_n8IgzI_WMR_o1omNOnZG-YsdNo_EfU2Sqq4wc1qbQeUcSey5-bH2yX5W0BWlh2IywR8YJOYIQ7VLkzS1qP0-mbXU3WI3dhrLXYADebGiDGcHlFEwJ4-/s400/Screen+Shot+2015-08-27+at+10.51.32+am.png" width="400" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I can charm the pants off a 60 year old Italian who despite his world of experience is in London at age 60 making coffee. When I say charmed the pants off him I don't mean I fucked him. Hello? Who do you think I am? Some desperate fat brown haired bitch who needs to fuck her way to the top?</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I used to walk down Ponsonby Road and those gay boys at SPQR would scrape the gum off my Overland pumps. It was so claustrophobic when I slept with the cousin of my first boyfriends son. I had to leave.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
It was starting to feel like this city hated me. I was angry, broke, drinking a lot, and lacking any of the confidence I arrived with four months ago. Jesus it was like working at TVNZ all over again. Without the cheap coke and touch ups from the management. I still can't find a decent dealer in London.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Ashleigh an Auckland creative still can't find a job. Quite apart from not being able to find him/herself she has a dealer and is sticking the small part of her parents trust fund up her nose on a weekly basis. Cunt. Just a rotten bitchy cunt. And she's from Dio. I mean come on.....Didn't share the coke. No love.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
But the story ends like this: after five months off fighting off the Polish, Nigerians underclass masses, I'm proud to say I've finally landed a permanent job, at a great company, in the heart of Leicester Square. It was a 10-week process from the time I applied to the time I was actually offered the job, but nonetheless that contract's been signed, sealed, (Snapchatted) and delivered.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
After all, everyone needs that hot blonde chick selling cheap theatre tickets. Snort.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<i>Editor's Note</i> - I don't know Alex Hazlehurst. I swear.</div>
Shayne McLeanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08926526789396150207noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2499595779069558267.post-65896630368208960252015-08-14T07:00:00.000+12:002015-08-14T07:00:03.124+12:00Singing Home The Whale - a Children's book by Nicky and Mandy Hager<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<b>Nicky </b>- There once was a Whale, an angry whale who had a powerful and corrupt best friend called Judith who was a complete bitch and John who was a terrible banker and I like really hated all of them so went out to destroy them with my own harpoon. In the public interest of course.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEigLwnaqEuuZyni7DU-AAMkig7Mo9_0YljyUb8qWmw8NJgcMUQgLu3gFnHxrPzxNkdURn1BTF71oASeO1uYnqOU9ev9KIFifviPXRg4eMViYyggHSygTVHdO2zfHa_-AUJzliHzYjr7wKn6/s1600/Screen+Shot+2015-08-13+at+4.54.32+pm.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEigLwnaqEuuZyni7DU-AAMkig7Mo9_0YljyUb8qWmw8NJgcMUQgLu3gFnHxrPzxNkdURn1BTF71oASeO1uYnqOU9ev9KIFifviPXRg4eMViYyggHSygTVHdO2zfHa_-AUJzliHzYjr7wKn6/s320/Screen+Shot+2015-08-13+at+4.54.32+pm.png" width="256" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Angry Whale</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<b>Mandy</b> – There once was a <a href="http://mandyhager.blogspot.com/p/singing-home-whale.html">young boy called Willie Jackson, a city boy</a> struggling to come to terms with being bullied online by a boy called Giovanni who wanted him removed from his paper round. Willie retreated back to his whanau for support. There he discovers an abandoned Whale called Cameron. He rallies to help and protect it against hostile, threatening interests who want the Whale dead. This threatens to tear apart the small online community and forever changes Willie’s life. </div>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiPEL-ibtzknV4x5Wjrt9JuX7WyvjKQcM5xZHXtiYxWIO-38NfXlGgUy6MtrwoatX1TKNL8pQPOQSr_EIcAUtPDUMrwKKU_seKdar2RFKJRZjR_rP-YXg6jFlG0udYnWgFV_7wCWxf5FCFu/s1600/Screen+Shot+2015-08-13+at+5.00.12+pm.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="230" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiPEL-ibtzknV4x5Wjrt9JuX7WyvjKQcM5xZHXtiYxWIO-38NfXlGgUy6MtrwoatX1TKNL8pQPOQSr_EIcAUtPDUMrwKKU_seKdar2RFKJRZjR_rP-YXg6jFlG0udYnWgFV_7wCWxf5FCFu/s320/Screen+Shot+2015-08-13+at+5.00.12+pm.png" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Happy Nice Whale</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<b>Nicky</b> – The Whale needed to be taken down because he was a symbol of corruption, pollution and stench of this capitalist pig government. I gathered all the forces at my disposal, including machine guns and fellow journalists. We formed a gang and <a href="http://citygallery.org.nz/events/talk-jarrod-gilbert-history-new-zealand-gangs">even got our own sociologist on board</a> who took The Whale’s Canon. The Whale looked very dark.</div>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZV411dIeIK-6SOGmugEGEOreGWk2FIg47J8zLeT9JIuTXT-OwkG4M0yIjqCoBu13Y3YgxUwVjyzZRy0Ts0h3wCdwwD4z4RNm5rTblY3EsD7FZYn8FFrp13dGDCa9q3St8BH7rWUBNikfR/s1600/Screen+Shot+2015-08-13+at+5.04.54+pm.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZV411dIeIK-6SOGmugEGEOreGWk2FIg47J8zLeT9JIuTXT-OwkG4M0yIjqCoBu13Y3YgxUwVjyzZRy0Ts0h3wCdwwD4z4RNm5rTblY3EsD7FZYn8FFrp13dGDCa9q3St8BH7rWUBNikfR/s1600/Screen+Shot+2015-08-13+at+5.04.54+pm.png" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Dark Whale</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<b>Mandy</b> – The Whale needed the love and affection of a warm bed and a cup of Milo from fellow Green activists. Willie knew what it felt like to suffer from online nasty people from his time in the spotlight. His good friend JT had to leave town too after the onslaught. Several people who had previously wanted the Whale to die nurtured and cared for the Whale, even wrapping their arms around him at one point after taking him out for some fresh unpolluted air.</div>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgUs9Frwf5SovxlcE0hGyKkWByK8EKMeaq5hP_24csi4DaeWcf_cyhi8YEYcWoCCUwa8CQTIgBGxjIFPR_yHhqk-0YRFYkMtPdXHkAxvtYaLpBaCoa9O0kYmFVII1211mKkB1KWjIN-5OUa/s1600/Screen+Shot+2015-08-13+at+5.07.37+pm.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="281" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgUs9Frwf5SovxlcE0hGyKkWByK8EKMeaq5hP_24csi4DaeWcf_cyhi8YEYcWoCCUwa8CQTIgBGxjIFPR_yHhqk-0YRFYkMtPdXHkAxvtYaLpBaCoa9O0kYmFVII1211mKkB1KWjIN-5OUa/s320/Screen+Shot+2015-08-13+at+5.07.37+pm.png" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Whale close to his new friend</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<b>Nicky</b> – I decided to ruin The Whale with a relentless anonymous social media campaign on Twitter and a book. It is in the public’s interest to rid the country of The Whale once and for all. I conspired with all manner of person’s across the country and didn’t really mind if what they did was illegal as remember I am always correct, Judge, Jury and executioner and this is in the public’s interest. Even if the public did end up voting for John and Judith anyway.</div>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiCSce6_nMmKC39o3Va_WQLWP7khcOUB898NRJQjF7nCS2LZYfaV8vfa2k5C-A1ziwQuRHipLc6wGOhZCoxtiLLDCq6WL8hcl8VZM4e9G4L3FXYKDlQjEKkw0pG9U_vjRdalFDUsIRjnepV/s1600/Screen+Shot+2015-08-13+at+5.11.10+pm.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="237" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiCSce6_nMmKC39o3Va_WQLWP7khcOUB898NRJQjF7nCS2LZYfaV8vfa2k5C-A1ziwQuRHipLc6wGOhZCoxtiLLDCq6WL8hcl8VZM4e9G4L3FXYKDlQjEKkw0pG9U_vjRdalFDUsIRjnepV/s320/Screen+Shot+2015-08-13+at+5.11.10+pm.png" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Whale had a book written especially for him</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<b>Mandy</b> – In sending Aroha to the Whale there were dire consequences for Willie. The locals were not happy, sending him death threats. He had to hide away and gather his thoughts. He was again the centre of unwanted attention and an online hate campaign, just what he was trying to avoid. In the meantime the Whale got stronger with Willie’s friendship and decided to fight back.</div>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-QImSE_f35LKDi9muzZ6VxOvyUf9mn2l9vVDyXzsghoKvgQNkcJABfh1xL2D7IAIsChnJ9pzSCfygck_1gIJm2Z0_Y9UsvHb2E_UOa0pryKfCYO4T9CkXhA5trdr-paqcrcsPKhagoyHq/s1600/Screen+Shot+2015-08-13+at+5.17.27+pm.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="195" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-QImSE_f35LKDi9muzZ6VxOvyUf9mn2l9vVDyXzsghoKvgQNkcJABfh1xL2D7IAIsChnJ9pzSCfygck_1gIJm2Z0_Y9UsvHb2E_UOa0pryKfCYO4T9CkXhA5trdr-paqcrcsPKhagoyHq/s320/Screen+Shot+2015-08-13+at+5.17.27+pm.png" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Whalefighter</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<b>Nicky</b> – I took on the Whale and the Police showed up and raided my house! I tell you it is a fascist state and Judith and John are to blame. It is just not fair, someone call me a lawyer, no a human rights lawyer, no the UN. Matthew Hooton must have given the Police my address that terrible man, how else would they have possibly known where I lived. Is there no such thing as privacy anymore!!!</div>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgATpLgkPttmFSIMOZrYYa3xlbxY1mkPEUoHbSYZBWFaY3A8jFT_I0Xm9l3WkQSjtGMNh1lCZmHhU01M-IE0Y4jD8wy3P6tC1MA08XN7G7dbq7e9us2FwX5XwdcDjKLL7_ZeBf0mKRmhkKd/s1600/Screen+Shot+2015-08-13+at+5.20.07+pm.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgATpLgkPttmFSIMOZrYYa3xlbxY1mkPEUoHbSYZBWFaY3A8jFT_I0Xm9l3WkQSjtGMNh1lCZmHhU01M-IE0Y4jD8wy3P6tC1MA08XN7G7dbq7e9us2FwX5XwdcDjKLL7_ZeBf0mKRmhkKd/s1600/Screen+Shot+2015-08-13+at+5.20.07+pm.png" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I am so cool kids at writing books by now I can do this shit with my eyes closed</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<br />
<b>Mandy</b> – I was in the house when it was raided. I have changed my ending. The Whale fucking dies!!!!<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjp8zReyT3lhw6Uo5JNxGao_-GdD-GJMX2SjQ11e7lr-nqSYbnqkdVoxUHzqhqowYyrh4Kr0l-GWWWr0xsRqWX2QkTpQ7DrxgqpR4HT9hfflWcr6RznCX8E3EKd-ty3flruuey8IG-Fj3Mv/s1600/Screen+Shot+2015-08-13+at+7.07.13+pm.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="168" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjp8zReyT3lhw6Uo5JNxGao_-GdD-GJMX2SjQ11e7lr-nqSYbnqkdVoxUHzqhqowYyrh4Kr0l-GWWWr0xsRqWX2QkTpQ7DrxgqpR4HT9hfflWcr6RznCX8E3EKd-ty3flruuey8IG-Fj3Mv/s320/Screen+Shot+2015-08-13+at+7.07.13+pm.png" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Dead Whale</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>THE END</b><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<b><i>Editors Note</i> </b>- Mandy Hager wrote a children’s book on a Whale and <a href="http://www.randomhouse.co.nz/books/mandy-hager/singing-home-the-whale-9781775536574.aspx">got an award and a review that said it had “echoes of classic book and film The Whalerider”</a>. Nicky Hager wrote a children’s book containing booming echoes of Whale emails and got a year of publicity and a speaking tour.<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
Shayne McLeanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08926526789396150207noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2499595779069558267.post-74505209395721046172015-08-12T19:23:00.002+12:002015-08-12T19:23:57.502+12:00I Will Return - by Dita De Boni<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh539I2NTBIVuxKi_Yek5THEk1u-X_IY7bDxxl3DXZlRoFRJmAQcO9a27LMiDCVtk2LP14gZGp6Pc1A1Se1i06IwW_Kyd_DKsRxqk24Vs-sLXhJByho9oqtD92G7FsxrNa-Xh60_0l1uKZo/s1600/Screen+Shot+2015-08-12+at+2.21.22+pm.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh539I2NTBIVuxKi_Yek5THEk1u-X_IY7bDxxl3DXZlRoFRJmAQcO9a27LMiDCVtk2LP14gZGp6Pc1A1Se1i06IwW_Kyd_DKsRxqk24Vs-sLXhJByho9oqtD92G7FsxrNa-Xh60_0l1uKZo/s320/Screen+Shot+2015-08-12+at+2.21.22+pm.png" width="236" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I knew it was a conspiracy from the moment John Key put his greasy capitalist money grubbing hands on the pony tail of the comrade-ess sweating blood in the coffee mines of Parnell, carrying food to the elitist swine, oinking and grunting as their snouts swilled at trough. I have been sacked from this column – yes me, the most honest business writer (with a political chaser); the commentator who dares to tell the truth about the fat cats robbing the pay packets of the workers. I am the only scribe who has risked her life to bring the truth to readers on why, in Aotearoa, the gap between the haves and have-nots is widening. As I write this gap has increased by 200 per cent.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
But I have been silenced. Shame on those who wield the axe over my words. Censorship is alive and well in this so-called land of freedom of expression and do you know why?</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Let me tell you why.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
They told me it’s for “financial reasons”: “tightening the belts”, “last one on and all that”. “We love your work but we have to let you go.” </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Do they think I’m stupid? (<i>Do you really want me to answer that? - Ed</i>) This is the real story, so listen very carefully because I will only say this once. At <a href="http://stoppress.co.nz/movingsshakings/movingsshakings-11-march">Wright Communications</a> this was a mantra.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
There’s been a conspiracy to get rid of me since I wrote that story condemning women who want the freedom to slutwalk; to wear anything they damn well like. Well they can’t. <a href="http://www.nzherald.co.nz/lifestyle/news/article.cfm?c_id=6&objectid=10734995">I’m a lefty liberal and we say women should look ugly</a>. So everyone who somewhere, somehow is having fun wants me out of here and they have succeeded. They are all tied in it up together – NZ Herald, NZ Government, Murray McCully, Rebecca Kitteridge, Saudi's (yes they are on to me too, I can hear the pips on my phone), John Key, the owners of Rosie’s Café, Rachel Glucina – all these far righters have got together and used a clever diversion of the Conservative Party fiasco meltdown <a href="http://www.nzherald.co.nz/opinion/news/article.cfm?c_id=466&objectid=11470524">but I’m on to it</a>.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Poor sheep. Poor little lambs, flying all that way and no segregated toilets. (<i>They were all ewes, you twit - Ed</i>) Only one team of vets for the whole plane load. The lambs died (mental note, Sumac Cumin Kofta Keema for dinner tonight – yum) so how is Key to explain that away? He won’t have to now that I won’t be appearing on these pages, the most feared business journalist in New Zealand.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Capitalist scum and their running dog mates. Then there’s the small matter of the TPPA and selling our sovereignty (mental note, must buy some of that cheap Australian wine to go with the Kofta – thanks CER). Do these neo-cons even have a mandate to shove this unwanted, big scary hairy deal on to us? Helen Clark would never have considered something like this.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Maybe I’ll go back to writing a Yummy Mummy blog but do it in GCSB code and it will be all secret squirrel and really be attacking business and be an anti-business column with political chaser. (<i>Maybe not, no vacancy while Hill-Cone still here - Ed</i>)</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Failing that, if I mysteriously do not appear on Radio New Zealand’s The Panel (<i>surely you mean The Flannel? - Ed</i>) with Jesse Mulligan (Jesse will just have to tell the listeners yet again that I’m married to Ali Ikram) then order the police to arrest all the VRWC in Dirty Politics for my murder and play Barry McGuire’s “We’re On The Eve of Destruction” at my funeral.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<i>Editor's Note - Dita De Boni is the code-hopper of New Zealand journalism. She has appeared in women’s magazines – with her husband TVNZ reporter Ali Ikram who she loves telling radio listeners she is married to (we can’t imagine why). She hops to television. She hops to anti-business journalism then muddles it with political commentary without checking facts. She hops to lecturing the nation on how.</i></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
Shayne McLeanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08926526789396150207noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2499595779069558267.post-56264572652640742012015-08-10T21:22:00.001+12:002015-08-10T21:22:56.344+12:00I Don't Have a Penis, Hear Me Raw - by Rachel Smalley<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjc7WaDID1do6IzLPcaNQjqk2UKoEDTySNqSSFAcCmx4PfvBH9zA12HtNmZNa2nftACeRhz2W5GHpjiFbKbHl3XJH-nJHlIJTgAqc6J90iT66cBEF6Ny4Rj1zJuvrUnZJhHkIwooQB5jWYJ/s1600/Screen+Shot+2015-08-10+at+4.21.18+pm.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="244" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjc7WaDID1do6IzLPcaNQjqk2UKoEDTySNqSSFAcCmx4PfvBH9zA12HtNmZNa2nftACeRhz2W5GHpjiFbKbHl3XJH-nJHlIJTgAqc6J90iT66cBEF6Ny4Rj1zJuvrUnZJhHkIwooQB5jWYJ/s320/Screen+Shot+2015-08-10+at+4.21.18+pm.png" width="320" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
“I am woman hear me whine, in numbers too small to expline”.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Yes I know that’s not how you spell explain but you have to remember I’m writing this the way I say it on the radio, that is, with my nasal accent and I’m being authentic, that is, from a woman’s perspective. <a href="http://www.newstalkzb.co.nz/opinion/rachel-smalley-male-dominated-media-a-problem/">I am disappointed. Very disappointed.</a> Disappointed that Radio New Zealand didn’t give Mary Wilson the boot and give me the job instead.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
No what am I saying? I am disappointed that they didn’t give the job to a strong capable woman host and instead they’ve given it to yet another white middle-class weak streak of weasel piss, that John Campbell. Now all our primetime radio shows are hosted by middle-class white male men. Is that stating the obvious? I’ll ask Larry Williams. Or Leighton Smith. They’ll know. Or Mike Hosking, just as soon as I’ve written this pile of shite for the Herald.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Where was I? Yes: we need one woman for every man hosting primetime shows for balance, so they can bring their unique and iconic perspective to the interview. For instance, look at Megyn Kelly at Fox News. Do you think Donald Trump would have been able to say what he did, about blood coming out of her “whatever”, if the anchor was a man? No. Mind you, if Fox had hired me for that interview I would have given Donald Trump a run for his money-oh. Yes indeed.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I would have said something like this: “You’ve called women you don’t like fat pigs, dogs, slobs, and disgusting animals. Wimp! </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
“I’ll up you on that. I’ve called them heifers and lardos.”</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Betcha he would have walked out of the debate right then and there.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
We are creating a near-monopoly of male broadcasters in this country and dammit, I just won’t have it. The government should bring in quotas to accurately reflect our society, which isn’t straight, white and male. So every media company should have to employ a host from each of these categories:</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
1.<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Lardo</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
2.<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Heifer</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
3.<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Rachel</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
4.<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Blonde</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
5.<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Bimbo</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
6.<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Nasal twang</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
All my friends are up for it. “Let’s do it” said Jane Hastings my boss. “What?” I said. “Let’s do what? I’m hetero. I’ve done enough women’s mags interviews I thought I’d made that perfectly clear!”</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
The worm turned. We never got there. People say I’m “muddled”, call me “sour grapes”, it’s “PC gone mad”. I have no idea why they think I’m stupid and I’m challenging feminists. I’m bringing about change here sisters.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
“I am woman watch me grow</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
See me standing toe to toe</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
As I spread my lovin' arms across the land</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
But I'm still an embryo</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
With a long long way to go</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Until I make my brother understand” (<i>Ed - apologies to Helen Reddy</i>)</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<i>Editor's Note - Rachel Smalley is host of Newstalk ZB 5am to 6am when nobody is listening. And a whole lot of other stuff on her Celebrity Speakers blurb which she obviously wrote from a women’s perspective.</i></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<br />
<br />Shayne McLeanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08926526789396150207noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2499595779069558267.post-39290529649324502532015-07-29T07:00:00.000+12:002015-07-29T07:00:02.075+12:00Mike's Minute (transcript) - by Mike Hosking<div style="text-align: justify;">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhB2fuYx_ZihGuGdjcF6yx1CkUNM7fKCpPnSDFV5SlU3r8zwBKjmAN28CuK3XBSWNUH2IlaH_q0lcpBIgUyFv18WIDd8iTXv5JEHEOIwmuaE-lkH49O4VsjSjku-XBtn2I2E9V-wXeA00YA/s1600/Screen+Shot+2015-07-28+at+8.45.06+pm.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="270" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhB2fuYx_ZihGuGdjcF6yx1CkUNM7fKCpPnSDFV5SlU3r8zwBKjmAN28CuK3XBSWNUH2IlaH_q0lcpBIgUyFv18WIDd8iTXv5JEHEOIwmuaE-lkH49O4VsjSjku-XBtn2I2E9V-wXeA00YA/s400/Screen+Shot+2015-07-28+at+8.45.06+pm.png" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I see The <a href="http://www.nzherald.co.nz/entertainment/news/article.cfm?c_id=1501119&objectid=11481552">Desperate Hyperactive Collective of Bonkers Housewives On Facebook</a> have called me out over my Mike’s Minute earlier this month when I gave big ups to the Carter Couple for calling in the lawyers over photos taken without their knowledge and published in Women’s Day. "<a href="http://www.nzherald.co.nz/lifestyle/news/article.cfm?c_id=6&objectid=11410033">The anti-Mike Hosking"? Pfft.</a> Well thank heavens for that really, it means she thinks I am the opposite of being as mad as batshit.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
As I said I did the same once over my children and I never took ‘it can’t be won’ for an answer I won the case all the way and all the big shot legal beagles now tell me it’s case law cited all around the world and used by celebrities, some even more famous than me when they want to protect their children from the glaring lenses of the paparazzi.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
But the Desperate Hyperactive Collective of Bonkers Housewives On Facebook – oh hell my time is precious let’s just call them DHCBHOF, it’s also easier when your brain runs as rapidly as mine does and your mouth works on overtime I mean to say that’s what I’m paid megabucks for – took umbrage at my saying in particular that the women’s mags are vultures that prey on people for profit. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Well they are.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Why get all weepy peepy about that? Unless you read this stuff for breakfast lunch dinner then after tennis cocktails then when you’ve picked up your little spoiled darlings from school? The DHCBHOF also got together on a thread – so I’m told I never stoop so low as to read this sort of thing, too busy you know what with my radio show, television show, cleaning the Maserati – and opined it was wrong for me to say one negative thing about these women’s magazines because my wife – yes my wife, writes for them. One of them. I don’t know which one, wouldn’t have a clue don’t allow them into the house. Rubbish. Only read Shakespeare myself – “A horse, a horse my kingdom for a horse!” except the car salesman silver-tongued me into a trident marque instead. Maybe the prancing horse next time.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Always fancied myself as Richard III.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Where was I? Oh yes, DHCBHOF. My wife. She can do what she damn well likes, write for whomsoever she likes. Nothing to do with me, so long as I can boot the damn arse out of whoever she likes. Boot so hard the sole imprints of my winkle-pickers will be branded on the arse cheeks of those magazine mastheads. As someone famous said. Can’t remember who that was so it can’t have been as famous as me. So you get my point don’t you – just because my wife writes for these people doesn’t mean, by the strange twisted non-logic of these DHCBHOF that I am biting the hand that feeds me, as they say.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Hilarious. Biting the hand that feeds me. Darlings, whatever my wife does for those publishers would never bring in enough to feed the hypothetical fleas on the backs of the hypothetical mice that might eat the hypothetical crumbs that might drop from the table at which we eat, if we eat at home. I say that because we never drop crumbs from our table. We are perfect.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
So the point the DHCBHOF miss was children have rights. They don’t choose celeb parents. They have the right to be left alone – whether they are the offspring of Dan Carter or Nigel NoMates. I went all the way to the highest courts in the land to prove this and my case is cited by law lords all over the world (<i>Ed - Yes we know, you keep telling us</i>).</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
So just because DHCBHOF posts pictures of their own children all over Facebook or Instagram ad nauseum – own choice, accept that, no problems, each to their own, free country – that doesn’t mean we all want our own little brats to be admired and gooed over by all and sundry.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Anyway, there is no room for kiddy-pix: it’s all about me.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<i>Editor's Note - Mike Hosking is taking over New Zealand media. All journalists turn green when his name is mentioned because he is eternally optimistic. He refuses to look on the dark side and never runs with the Press Gallery pack. For that reason alone he deserves a Canon Media Award – Courage in the Face of the Enema. </i></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
Shayne McLeanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08926526789396150207noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2499595779069558267.post-7275255646152591492015-07-22T15:57:00.001+12:002015-07-22T15:58:45.439+12:00The Soap Box - by Barry Soper<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhJGVslYj4PO-tmg69E3dSrlOsBdbtbd8YR5sTb30Wyu5zUW7l5d_FGv90MT4bHUscPoYcZRttJgTLoFnPqRxSNyrdxg0CROYHA6yO0pQZeGz58xxh-uCBI5s94cZ_gY0qbxiFsLLbxgomw/s1600/Screen+Shot+2015-07-22+at+11.56.53+am.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="267" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhJGVslYj4PO-tmg69E3dSrlOsBdbtbd8YR5sTb30Wyu5zUW7l5d_FGv90MT4bHUscPoYcZRttJgTLoFnPqRxSNyrdxg0CROYHA6yO0pQZeGz58xxh-uCBI5s94cZ_gY0qbxiFsLLbxgomw/s400/Screen+Shot+2015-07-22+at+11.56.53+am.png" width="400" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
There should be a law against rich people going into Parliament it’s just not a good look with all these ordinary kiwis queueing up to buy a house in Auckland or a holiday house on the waterfront at Omaha and then they can’t because some former Forex trader who decides he wants to be Prime Minister has thought he’d always lead the country right from when he first dated his meek and mild and ever loving little wife has already paid top dollar for them and you can bet your sweet house in Hill Street if you used to own one that he wasn’t wearing his outfit bought from Williams & Kettle.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
So we now have the rich prick boy who is still wet behind his ears but the son of the Prime Minister frolicking around the sands and the rocks at their American paradise with his bimbo girlfriend in her short short shorts and some kind of ear-splitting music in the background and you can bet this didn’t get paid for out of a paper round and running errands for the neighbours because where these elite come from the neighbours don’t even step next door to admire the Goldie paintings.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
The point I’m trying to make in case you’re wondering is these are no longer the children of the Prime Minister when they start wearing slices of orange and apples and strawberries instead of clothes and pink hair so they are fair game because they don’t have student loans interest free courtesy of the rest of the country which they are struggling to pay off and it’s not a good look to be living in Paris when other poor struggling artists in Auckland at Elam can’t even buy their own home because the city is over run with Chinese.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
It’s all Michele Boag’s fault. The political technocolour dreamcoat, then National's anointment queen, phoned him after the millennia parties and through a Dom Perignon haze, he thought he was hearing things. The shrill voice was telling him to come back home, give up his international lifestyle, and become our Prime Minister</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Don’t accuse me of the <a href="http://www.stuff.co.nz/national/65391539/Television-couple-in-Bali-shakedown">politics of envy I go to Bali on a scooter</a> I know luxury I’ve got a devoted wife I know what fizz tastes like too and don’t tell me I don’t know how to write good grammarly either because I’ll go all red in the face and my voice will go up an octave or three.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I know what I’m talking about. I’ve been in the Press Gallery longer than anyone. I can remember back further than you, John Armstrong. I can remember when Duncan Garner and Guyon Espiner were in the Press Gallery so don’t tell me I’m going senile.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I met the new Northland MP today – he looked vaguely familiar – Mr Peters I think his name is. He smelled familiar too, sort of smokey. He called me Squeaky and said: “Nowlookheregetouttamyway” and “WhydonchagettadecentsuitSonny?”</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Mumble, fffftt, errrggh. I remember a lovely Prime Minister she never mocked my voice she said she’d love to have a high-pitched voice. What was her name? Heather? Hazel? Hilary? I just called her Mummy.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<b><i>Editors note - Barry Soper has been a New Zealand political journalist for longer than he can remember, and has been featured regularly on radio and television. Currently, Soper's main role is political editor at Newstalk ZB. He is easily excited, more-so now he is married to Heather du Plessis Allan, a woman of shameless self-promotional abilities. Earlier this year, in Indonesia, Barry metaphorically ‘punched the shark’ when a cop who tried to bribe him. Well done Bazza</i></b></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
Shayne McLeanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08926526789396150207noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2499595779069558267.post-77151047373941917212015-07-13T07:00:00.000+12:002015-07-13T15:13:03.897+12:00Green Goddess - by Wendyl Nissen<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi1hE_xSweHuM3rsEmgKsd2XtZi2FYk6s0rZ9yTtA6WmvJcw6f8jxCMq_6MjtKOkYPlYFqrRKbuh4uwfkwaGuC_mincoVSdBOJTO0uK1u_gwsOUiBpPwxgokbytsb5Z6BN0BloAuCyFhrrz/s1600/Screen+Shot+2015-07-12+at+11.07.25+pm.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi1hE_xSweHuM3rsEmgKsd2XtZi2FYk6s0rZ9yTtA6WmvJcw6f8jxCMq_6MjtKOkYPlYFqrRKbuh4uwfkwaGuC_mincoVSdBOJTO0uK1u_gwsOUiBpPwxgokbytsb5Z6BN0BloAuCyFhrrz/s320/Screen+Shot+2015-07-12+at+11.07.25+pm.png" width="318" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Hello, me again, the Supportive Wife, eco gal, Stand By Your Man, Eternally lovely Person.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Now. If you want to get those windows sparkling clean and save the Planet at the same time, because we do want to be Eco Friendly don’t we, because This Government, and that Silly Man John Key the Ponytail Puller is doing nothing about it, then do I have the answer for you? Yes I do. The last time I gave birth was 16 years ago and I have all these unused sanitary pads lying around, with sticky on one side so here’s what you do. You attach the sticky side to your hand, and rub, rub, rub all over the windows in your lovely wooden villa and there you have nice clean windows, then you can donate the pads to the poor.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Most families I know are struggling to cut costs, like us, so here’s some more of Wendyl’s helpful hints for cutting the monthly bills to clothe the family and look smart at the same time!</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
1.<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>You can make a stunning dress out of chux biodegradable multicloths. I buy the giant size and stitch them all together, and they just waft around, multicolours, hanging off the waist area – think new age hippy and you’ll get the general idea. Easy!</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
2.<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Stuck for warm trousers? Easy! Sew up the neck of those old jerseys and Far Out! You have yourself a pair of skinny jeans except they are warm and made of wool. Eat your heart out, YSL! Do we recycle, or do we recycle?</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
3.<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Finally (in the haute eco department) stop paying huge prices for underwear – it’s a rip off and contributing to climate change. You want to save the polar bear? Here’s how. Wait outside your local hospitals – private or public – and when they remove the surgical waste, just burrow through until you find those surgical panties they make patients wear when they go into theatre. Honestly, such dreadful waste! Only worn once and then tossed away! No wonder Mother Earth is dying under all this crap!</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<b><i>Reader Letter of the Week:</i></b></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Dear Wendyl, My husband has been sending poetry to his press secretary Rachel. He admits this was ‘inappropriate’ but says no sexual relationship took place. Should I stand by my man? Helen.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Dear Helen, If this is the third time he’s a real dick. However, anyone can live with a dick head if it means fabulous holidays in Venice, and not putting your kids through the shame of being raised by a solo parent. On the other hand you could bugger off and slap him with revenge in the divorce settlement (<i>These days it’s called dissolution, and most women would say it’s rightfully hers - Ed</i>). Whatever you decide, Charlene, my thoughts are with you. Truly. Really. Honestly Mary, I mean it.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Next week a recipe on how to make a pie out of all those lentil-eating mice getting fat in your pantry, plus Scotch-Thistle wine made easy!</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<i><b>Editors note - Wendyl Nissen is the most famous Green God in the world and wrote a book which sold thousands of copies to a single buyer. She stands under, on, and by her man Paul Little and wrote a column for a year publicly supporting him. Many wondered why he needed this. Together they once wrote a sex column about p**** during sex which was so disgusting readers almost vomited, but it was later pipped by a column about pulling an egg from a chook’s bum. David Cohen once wrote a story about Wendyl alleging she added the l to her name; that she was originally Wendy. He did not say if it was pinched off her hero, Russel Norman. </b></i></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
Shayne McLeanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08926526789396150207noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2499595779069558267.post-50986160406597903532015-07-10T07:00:00.000+12:002015-07-10T07:00:03.802+12:00I am The Ruminator - by David McCormack<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjyC1q26-OTqxd4xFaKDSdDVUrYErxNlhEBsOxyo0odFpZhawhGaC5pgAmgeURyRTToDmgqpqS6iM4_lhqK-MFcOjJf4LlhYIL2kzpBFnlnhzjnai9eopnnB0LhgRw1g1BybrrhAOcpqZfB/s1600/Screen+Shot+2015-07-08+at+7.17.52+pm.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjyC1q26-OTqxd4xFaKDSdDVUrYErxNlhEBsOxyo0odFpZhawhGaC5pgAmgeURyRTToDmgqpqS6iM4_lhqK-MFcOjJf4LlhYIL2kzpBFnlnhzjnai9eopnnB0LhgRw1g1BybrrhAOcpqZfB/s400/Screen+Shot+2015-07-08+at+7.17.52+pm.png" width="351" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
I am The Ruminator<br />
And I don't know where I stand<br />
A Twitter denigrator<br />
Another stroke of my hand<br />
Today I think I am a champion<br />
I try to hold my farts<br />
But I know the game, you'll forget my name<br />
And I won't be here in another year<br />
If I don't behave like a tart<br />
<br />
I am The Ruminator<br />
And I've had to pay my price<br />
I know all things at first<br />
I criticise others twice<br />
Ah, but still they come to haunt me<br />
Still they want their say<br />
So I've learned to rub the bump in my pants<br />
I let 'em rub my neck and I call them a deck<br />
And they go their merry way<br />
<br />
I am The Ruminator<br />
Spewing sarcasm round the world<br />
I dream of palaces<br />
And in my mind laid all kinds of girls<br />
I can't remember faces<br />
I don't remember names<br />
Ah, but what the hell<br />
You know it's just as well<br />
'Cause after 36 thousand tweets<br />
It all becomes the same<br />
<br />
I am The Ruminator<br />
I bring to you my tweets<br />
I'd like to spend more time on twitter<br />
I can't remember the bleats<br />
No, I've got to meet expenses<br />
I got to have a whine<br />
Gotta get those fees for my PR agency<br />
And I'd love to stay but there's bills to pay<br />
So I just don't have the time<br />
<br />
I am The Ruminator<br />
Twitter is my show<br />
You've must have heard of me<br />
My blog has been mentioned on the radio<br />
Ah, it takes me weeks to write a post<br />
They are the best moments of my life<br />
It was a beautiful blog<br />
But it ran too long<br />
If you're gonna have a hit<br />
Best it not be shit<br />
So they cut it down from TL;DR<br />
<br />
I am The Ruminator<br />
The idol of those my age<br />
I want to make all my money<br />
When I go on the stage<br />
Ah, you've seen me in the papers<br />
I've been in the magazines<br />
But if I go cold I won't get sold<br />
I'll get put in the back in the discount rack<br />
And get all grump and mean<br />
<br />
I am The Ruminator<br />
And I don't know where I stand<br />
Another twitter denigrator<br />
And another stroke of my hand<br />
Today I think I am a champion<br />
I try to hold my farts<br />
But I know the game, you'll forget my name<br />
And I won't be here in another year<br />
If I don't behave like a tart.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3Sf8huS7r8f_P96vf9HCu1PhCbijtMH8zkSTxpyf5jrzXFAvXKCuRxEwnyENPJwI5t00_j2Udf9STZhLg-zd6UbzPG18KA2GBILDEWBR7h_J6vZTAgJIcAZgZ2bj8s7zTFPe1znLe9D-U/s1600/Screen+Shot+2015-07-08+at+7.19.42+pm.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="255" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3Sf8huS7r8f_P96vf9HCu1PhCbijtMH8zkSTxpyf5jrzXFAvXKCuRxEwnyENPJwI5t00_j2Udf9STZhLg-zd6UbzPG18KA2GBILDEWBR7h_J6vZTAgJIcAZgZ2bj8s7zTFPe1znLe9D-U/s400/Screen+Shot+2015-07-08+at+7.19.42+pm.png" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<b><i><br /></i></b></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<b><i>Editors Note - David McCormack is Lord Sutch on a little read blog called The Ruminator. His greatest supporter is intellectual giant Dita de Boni who has donated an anonymous sum to him on Givealittle. David's career has gone from Internet NZ to his natural home of wasting his life in PR. He joined Twitter in January 2013 and has amassed 36,000 tweets, an average of around 40 a day which is not bad for someone working on company time. David's career has suffered many setbacks, the most terminal being that for someone trying to be ironic and funny he is just not very amusing.</i></b></div>
Shayne McLeanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08926526789396150207noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2499595779069558267.post-34424884740777464042015-07-09T07:00:00.000+12:002015-07-09T07:00:00.935+12:00The Daily Blog – Read The Other Side of the Story - by Martyn Bradbury<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgMluvT0dh_eRAWLkGWba4lYXHtWhvNrwiKRMn8occILsfyUAR4yOvk9uc4AxvfRrwUgTQkhyphenhyphen8YMMiJj4JD5Wj7IwmSpUp3biAxI9lFb7X0l5SdDAvSgKGcFUSdXFnmhgJ9ym6L5-vSOtV6/s1600/Screen+Shot+2015-07-07+at+5.52.42+pm.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="261" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgMluvT0dh_eRAWLkGWba4lYXHtWhvNrwiKRMn8occILsfyUAR4yOvk9uc4AxvfRrwUgTQkhyphenhyphen8YMMiJj4JD5Wj7IwmSpUp3biAxI9lFb7X0l5SdDAvSgKGcFUSdXFnmhgJ9ym6L5-vSOtV6/s320/Screen+Shot+2015-07-07+at+5.52.42+pm.png" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
My existence is a hateful one. Here is a list of things that I hate and therefore you should all too. <br />
<br />
- Whaleoil<br />
- David Farrar<br />
- National<br />
- John Key<br />
- Simon Lusk<br />
- People richer than I am<br />
- Immigrants if they are richer than I am or vote National<br />
- Homeowners<br />
- America<br />
- Australia<br />
- England<br />
- Religion<br />
- Radio NZ<br />
- Rodney Hide<br />
- Labour<br />
- ACT<br />
- Large corporations<br />
- Small corporations<br />
- The corner dairy<br />
- Bankers<br />
- Lawyers<br />
- The System!!!<br />
- Cactus Kate<br />
- The Police<br />
- Judges<br />
- Dissenting comments people on Daily Blog<br />
- Mediaworks<br />
- TVNZ<br />
- Mark Weldon<br />
- Bob Jones<br />
- Pebbles Hooper<br />
- Rachel Glucina<br />
- Duncan Garner<br />
- Heather du Plessis-Allan<br />
- Matthew Hooton (unless he is paying me)<br />
- Carrick Graham (because he doesn't pay me)<br />
- Cameron Slater<br />
- Pete<br />
- Rich old people<br />
- Don Brash<br />
- Jordan Williams<br />
<br />
And don't forget I hate Cameron Slater because he is New Zealand's leading merchant of hate.<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I hate happy and I don’t care about making sense but when shit hits the wall over these perverts and right wing hairy trolls it makes my mouth twitch and that’s what happened when another one of these stupid pretend journalists opened her stupid mouth and spit on the poor so now that Pebbles Hooper has resigned well it’s at least something she did that Bob Jones didn’t have the guts to do from the Herald (<i>Yes he did, please try and keep up Martyn - Ed</i>).</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
My mouth tries to go up at the corners when these stupid girls yes Rachel Glucina another pretend journalist she was fired I know she says she was head hunted but shit what the hell does that mean she should be taken over the the self-destructing Media Works where they fell at their feet when told by John Key to fire John Campbell the only real journalist in the mainstream media who held this right wing fascist bunch of pricks in the government to account.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Do I care that my blogging is said by the right wing fascists that it doesn’t make sense ? Nah I just shout, SHOUT I SAY, shout louder at people, that’s why they call me Bomber. I can throw a rock, rocks. I just throw at people. I love nothing better than to rark up the mobs on the Twitter and we hound these girls like that most hated person in New Zealand Pebbles Hooper spoiled little right wing neoliberal post-Rogernomics that’s what you get for deregulation all trying to tell Greece what to do it’s racism. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
TV3 trying to get Heather Duplicity but she turned them down for the seven pm at night slot (<i>Oh please – keep up, she accepted the job and ‘seven pm at night’ is tautology you thicko - Ed</i>) and Duncs to save their image but they’ll need more than these two dummies sorry Duncs but you know what I mean the whole channel will self combust under the weight of that Weldon who is just Key’s bitch and Julie Christie I mean what the hell does she know about television and making documentaries she should come and see some of the reality shows I’ve done hanging around dark corners in the outskirts of Auckland I know only my aunty and a cousin watched them but it’s the quality that counts.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
They gave me that name Bomber and I wish it was stronger I could be called Eruption or Volcano or Richter 12 that is the worst Earthquake you can have because it would crack the planet in half and destroy the world I would love to destroy the world. I hate pretty girls especially if they’re called Pebbles or won't do as I say. Bitches. Most especially when they get more publicity than me for saying horrible things. The Listener called me “the most opinionated man in New Zealand” so how dare this young ingénue come along and upstage me?</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Fashion design is for the middle class all the middle classes should be annihilated when we rule the world when we have guillotined all the ruling classes after the revolution we will do away with fashion design and everyone will have to wear the same grey suits with mandarin collars. That’s original. (<i>Eh? - Ed.</i>)</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
The only person I like is Kim DotCom I did his stuff for him I could tell you about it but then I’d have to kill you. KDC for Supreme Leader, The Dear Leader we will all have to call him.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Rachel Glucina, Mike Hoskins, John Key, Pebbles – all will be marched to the gulag.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<i><b>Editor - Martyn Bradbury has never left University. A full-time loser in the world of commercial TV and radio he runs The Daily Blog where seems to be sponsored by a few of New Zealand's Unions despite none ever admitting they've given him a cent. When not writing more hateful blog posts, Martyn is thinking of more ways to be paid by Matthew Hooton. </b></i></div>
<i><b><br /></b></i>
Shayne McLeanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08926526789396150207noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2499595779069558267.post-89990875556420351442015-07-08T07:00:00.000+12:002015-07-08T07:00:02.966+12:00Taking Out Whaleoil, My Evil Plan - by David Farrar<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjtc2Kp1_jnNpABy5pXhIevuWxctqwCGtoQZr95M92hG7RrDmYZ_ODi7ZVuxHqkgUHyINEGJ44bW_XWtRvbbhrcdHz7NvW4qj_8RR1NLBfOtnMXeUOUvAT9KDvsPPqX2NANLrh1l2ybaOc7/s1600/Screen+Shot+2015-06-30+at+11.45.08+pm.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjtc2Kp1_jnNpABy5pXhIevuWxctqwCGtoQZr95M92hG7RrDmYZ_ODi7ZVuxHqkgUHyINEGJ44bW_XWtRvbbhrcdHz7NvW4qj_8RR1NLBfOtnMXeUOUvAT9KDvsPPqX2NANLrh1l2ybaOc7/s320/Screen+Shot+2015-06-30+at+11.45.08+pm.png" width="292" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<b><i>Planning world domination.</i></b></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Last week I was resting in my lair thinking of Everest counting out in my dreams all my neatly piled foreign currencies then I woke up as I was re-living the most amazing moment of my life.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Election 2014 and National had won. I picked it. A romp. John Key stood on the precipice of history and what did he do? Thank Whaleoil? Judith Collins? Nah he thanked ME! Not only that he gave me the best PR I could ever receive - he called me "<b>the best pollster in New Zealand</b>". My leading client, the best moment. We were on the phones what it seemed an eternity those previous months. I calmed John down as I fed to him various policy ideas based on my polling. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I thought my life couldn't get better but after those midnight texts and calls from "anxious John" to "creative David" this was the best.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
It was a bleak moment when the book Dirty Politics was released. I mean here I am, New Zealand's best pollster, centre right doyen and that prick Hager gives me ONE chapter. One fucking chapter!!!! And Chapter NINE! I even went to the launch and signed books for the adoring fans. Nothing. Well there was something - Cactus Kate, Simon Lusk, Whaleoil and Carrick Graham expelled me from the VRWC for that. Again. All their work was Chapter Eight and I was jammed between that and a chapter on Sex Scandals. Sex scandals that everyone knows I had absolutely nothing to do with at all, I mean I don't mind taking the rap if I actually did get a leg over but there was NOTHING!!!</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I should have at least had a chapter that extolled the virtues of my evilness beyond the surface. Hager made me sound like some wanna be lothario. Who the fuck does he think he is? I know all about him. The lies, smears and all his private life. It is in my filing cabinet where I keep the bodies. The GCSB told me all about what Hager does at home alone when he thinks no one is watching, the Jenny Shipley and Ruth Richardson videos from their time announcing budget cuts and the large tub of Vaseline with the mask. I have the pictures and I'm waiting for the right moment to release them. The one on budget day for the Mother of Them All will ruin him. It will make him more of a laughing stock than Peter Davis. Hager mistook Vaseline for liniment and ended up calling John Minto around (on his landline of course as he has no cellphone) to clean up. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
If I move I would need the entire staff of Crown Relocations Wellington to come and help lift those bodies. So heavy are they. Unlike Whaleoil who keeps them online for the world to hack (how dumb was that incompetent goon?), my files are my currency. They are kept under lock, key and 12 digit alpha numeric password under the floor double downed with my bed over top. No one is going to get at my precious.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I still get along with every National PM. As they should. When Murray McCully is long gone ensconced in Charlie Wilson's office girls in Washington I will not only be the next McCully I will be the next Boag.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Everyone has looked at my weight loss, it's a diversion. The real work is happening behind the scenes. I am planning world domination commencing with taking over The Standard. No need to hack those losers, that is another diversion. They tried to plant staff inside Curia. Well I have infiltrated their systems with a new blogger. They won't know it yet but one day that "new blogger" will strike and post material that shows Whaleoil is actually a Labour plant.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
You see that's the genius of my plan. The closer Whaleoil, New Zealand's leading blogger cuddles up to Labour by attacking John Key, the closer I get to the ultimate truth.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Whaleoil is actually a Labour plant. And has been all along, bought and paid for by Union cash.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
It will ruin his ratings among the right wing Whaleoil followers and install me back as not only New Zealand's number one pollster but New Zealand's leading blogger!!!</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<i><b>Editor - David Farrar is well regarded as New Zealand's sneakiest political operative. Not only does he have a nationally regarded polling company, he spends his spare time letting NBR take his work as their own, appearing on The Huddle and much to the chagrin of his right wing friends - The Panel. David is often expelled from the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy (VRWC) for acts of treachery. One of the latest being writing nice things about James Shaw and Kevin Hague.</b></i></div>
Shayne McLeanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08926526789396150207noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2499595779069558267.post-55869483758647318702015-07-07T07:00:00.000+12:002015-07-07T07:00:02.328+12:00The Last Column - by Bob Jones<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgvaI_QL2lLJ7NMLMUoBtdw_eRN8bFSwEt9Q7sPeQ5EUb08MiyQpkq7IHWFH73vTY8JtnRdHHlz3mwRmSEwNWW9mBzn4IvwFfCW6MdYZHUPk8j1zCKBgaE3SfiHPgZno3famxr05s6XehZe/s1600/Screen+Shot+2015-06-29+at+11.08.43+pm.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgvaI_QL2lLJ7NMLMUoBtdw_eRN8bFSwEt9Q7sPeQ5EUb08MiyQpkq7IHWFH73vTY8JtnRdHHlz3mwRmSEwNWW9mBzn4IvwFfCW6MdYZHUPk8j1zCKBgaE3SfiHPgZno3famxr05s6XehZe/s1600/Screen+Shot+2015-06-29+at+11.08.43+pm.png" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
This will be my last column for the Herald. Ever. It’s bloody outrageous the way the media behave these days. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Editors are liars. Take that Shayne Currie. He’s a likeable enough chap but he’s a Catholic and a journalist so he’s congenitally unable to tell the truth. Every bloody time I handed in my column I said now don’t you alter one single word. Oh no we won’t, we won’t and then what happens? Oh we just had to change the word negro because it’s racist.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
It’s not bloody racist. Look it up in the dictionary. It’s a word for christ’s sake. I’ll give you bloody racist. Then they tell me it doesn’t comply with the Herald style book. Well what’s that got to do with anything?</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
So I quit. They’ll regret it. My columns were read more than any other piece in the whole bloody paper including the whores’ personal ads. That’s the truth. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Nobody reads that wet Brian Rudman’s columns that’s for sure.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Tell you what, all those wets who hated my columns and wrote comments every week, all those Gandalfs and You-Know-Its-The-Truth and all the others, what are they going to do all day now I’m gone. What do you think these poor old buggers do with themselves, hunched over their computers waiting and waiting for something to come along so they can write in and grizzle? I don’t know.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
They’ll be fat. Fat girls. The whole street is full of fat girls. Except if they’re Asians and the only trouble with Asians is they can’t spell. The one time my secretary typed a letter without making a spelling mistake I put a sign in the foyer. I do all my own filing. Have to otherwise I’d never find anything again. But I tell you what I look after my girls, they all have their own offices, nice big offices and they all get paid well. There are no stunning looking New Zealand girls, especially in the provinces. They’re all fat . Why do you think that is? Huge beasts lumbering along the street yabbering away into their cellphones. It’s outrageous. Fucking outrageous.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
What do you think of this Key fellow? Is he a bit of a nut? He can’t even speak properly. (Eh? Speak up I can’t hear you, you’re mumbling. No I’m not going deaf.) He’s got all these fat girls around him – that woman what’s her name, the tart from West Auckland, and that Judith woman now she should never be back in Cabinet let alone get her hands on Justice again after what she said about the Bain case that was fucking outrageous. The woman’s an idiot.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I don’t drink anymore. And I don’t smoke. Just the pipe. The wine was killing me. Fucking outrageous. So I stopped completely. These days, it’s just a low-alcohol beer, or a Harvey’s Bristol sherry, just the few. I don’t miss it. I don’t like going out anyway, all those endless speeches going on and on, people mumbling in a corner, talking Maori.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
It’s fucking outrageous. Even Deborah Coddington started talking in Maori I mean, who does she think she is? Fucking outrageous. I’m sick of it. Sick of it.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I don’t even go to the boxing any more. It’s not boxing it’s just a fucking spectacle with these bimbos in bikinis. Yelling and screaming. All these women throwing themselves at me, proposing marriage. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I’ve got enough children already. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Fucking outrageous.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<b><i>Editor - Everyone knows who Bob is which is why we never should have let him go. He’s modest, thinks sunglasses are the height of sophistication in accessorisation particularly when worn on heads, always wanted to be a flight attendant, punches journalists for fun, and breeds like the proverbial rabbit.</i></b></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<b><i><br /></i></b></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6Rji7F6vrqwR1kqrqyzXO9cM3Rdd8a2reL4o1iNHia2jGLMPWCGnH7yjCkTM7wVHdys_mqnDdFa-cZs6g2OuDkexmMMc3a7CVBC4n_BRs19U9eXib4K0azvaorYnQY_Fw5SIlXc3AytC9/s1600/Screen+Shot+2015-06-29+at+11.10.27+pm.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6Rji7F6vrqwR1kqrqyzXO9cM3Rdd8a2reL4o1iNHia2jGLMPWCGnH7yjCkTM7wVHdys_mqnDdFa-cZs6g2OuDkexmMMc3a7CVBC4n_BRs19U9eXib4K0azvaorYnQY_Fw5SIlXc3AytC9/s320/Screen+Shot+2015-06-29+at+11.10.27+pm.png" width="303" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<b><i><br /></i></b></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
Shayne McLeanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08926526789396150207noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2499595779069558267.post-73612905753318401292015-07-06T07:00:00.003+12:002015-07-06T07:00:00.434+12:00My Sunday Column - by Judith Collins<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWQWnb1trMcROxqux6GMS1tpYB2_hcsNMi36TpVAfun8O1XxhWtazjH4WspNm7uwQtUiVXlZV2wDPLO1QK_uRyh1is_KaYmQ9eWRLxEZiko7PdungL4iobbtWV6nwbJ8Y2sE1U96faMI-W/s1600/Screen+Shot+2015-07-05+at+12.39.37+pm.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="296" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWQWnb1trMcROxqux6GMS1tpYB2_hcsNMi36TpVAfun8O1XxhWtazjH4WspNm7uwQtUiVXlZV2wDPLO1QK_uRyh1is_KaYmQ9eWRLxEZiko7PdungL4iobbtWV6nwbJ8Y2sE1U96faMI-W/s400/Screen+Shot+2015-07-05+at+12.39.37+pm.png" width="400" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Who would want to be the MP for Papakura? Since 2002 I have put my life on the line every time I walk from my office to the debating chamber. I have left my home and family to live with people who are violent bullies, and I’m just talking about Katie Bradford and Brook Sabin. I live in constant fear for my life, and then everyone starts to suspect you just because you’re friends with Cameron Slater.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<a href="http://www.stuff.co.nz/national/politics/63875544/a-new-crushfree-judith-collins">Silly behaviour from other people. </a></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I’m as mild as milk. That’s why I’ve got enemies. I’m the nicest person imaginable. I don’t hurt anyone, you can tell by my smile. Babies go into raptures of singing when they see me smile.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Someone gave me this silly name, Crusher. Not my idea but I tossed my lovely blonde locks, and pursed my bee-stung red kissable lips, and ignored that. So what if it stuck? Just more bullying from those in my cabinet who are jealous of me and wanted me sacked. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Yes they got me sacked. They think they got me sacked but actually I resigned to take the wind out of their sails. It was a very difficult time for me but I was very brave, only breaking down when confronted by that Rottweiler interviewer, the investigative Rachel Glucina. Yes, that was tough but she did catch me in an off moment, snacking on chockie chip bikkies, hokey pokey bikkies, date scones and a glass of savvie in the Koru Lounge. Nice to escape the plebs occasionally, before I have to face the queues at my beloved electorate office again.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
The Woman’s Weekly said I couldn’t have done it without my husband. David Wong Tung. Yes that fooled everyone. Now he’s too scared not to take the rubbish out daily, even if he was too much of a wimp to speak out and take the rap when his companies were dropping me in it with their stupid photos posted all over the Internet. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Hah. I showed them though. I got that Adam Dudding licking my boots. “ No desire to lead the party whatsoever” what a scream! Noticed how JK’s been looking a bit peaky lately? Softly, softly catchee monkey – old Chinese trick: just chop hair into the soup. Do I feel bad? No siree, he’s got that mousey Bronagh to look after him when he’s invalided out and I step over his pathetic little carcass with my fat little feet stuffed into my red stilettos.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Then things are going to change around here. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<a href="http://www.stuff.co.nz/national/politics/69457983/devil-is-in-the-detail-for-undercover-cops-in-red-devils-case">No more police having to apply for stupid warrants for starters. </a></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Justice Wanker Collins indeed throwing that whole Explorer case out of court. The man doesn’t deserve the name Collins let alone being on the bench! When I’m PM, Minister of Police AND Minister of Justice the police will be armed with Kalishnikovs, flame throwers, and whatever else their little hearts’ desire so they can just charge into these gang headquarters and annihilate the entire scene. Sherman tanks, that’ll show ‘em! Then those wimps in the Press Gallery will have to come up with a moniker better than Crusher! Yessss!!!! Hunt ‘em down, stalk ‘em out, don’t shoot til they’re wetting their pants, showing the whites of their eyes and sobbing for mercy!</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Ahh I love it. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
David Wong Tung! I need more grapes peeled, and you can stick the broom up your arse and sweep the floor while you bring them to me.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<b><br /></b></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<b>My Sunday Column - by Phil Goff</b></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Words fail me </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Again.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
Shayne McLeanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08926526789396150207noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2499595779069558267.post-85062049501957683592015-07-03T07:00:00.000+12:002015-07-03T07:00:01.069+12:00Curmudgeon - by Karl Du Fresne<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFayf9ubAuhQCE2lCG_Ui3XoiXAU1I5QWJ5cE8JbcgVH5jXt4zLTxhX_wIVdjXXuh8o8BeflDfq93B5oyKsLi6x5X7q6Co9119wFPw-7R6B3-KYSsagQGj5fR8LWltGioyIHdHUCup3jAW/s1600/Screen+Shot+2015-06-29+at+11.01.30+pm.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFayf9ubAuhQCE2lCG_Ui3XoiXAU1I5QWJ5cE8JbcgVH5jXt4zLTxhX_wIVdjXXuh8o8BeflDfq93B5oyKsLi6x5X7q6Co9119wFPw-7R6B3-KYSsagQGj5fR8LWltGioyIHdHUCup3jAW/s320/Screen+Shot+2015-06-29+at+11.01.30+pm.png" width="270" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Finally the time has arrived for me to sign up for the National Superannuation.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I put in my teeth, got out of bed, put on my brown carpet slippers , and shuffled down the hallway after telling the wife to stop shivering, we can’t afford electricity, she can just light the coal range. I went to the telephone and lifted up the receiver.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
“Working?” I asked.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Nobody answered so I turned the handle and gave a long ring for the exchange and asked to be put through to Social Security.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I waited and waited and waited. I fell on the floor and lay down for a while. I got up and tried again. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
My saintly wife came along. “You silly old bugger,” she said. “You can’t do it like that anymore.”</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
“Do I have to make a toll call?” I asked. “Bother it. That will cost me quite a lot since it’s not after 6pm”. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
What the hell, I thought, I’ve paid my taxes all my life, the government can pay for the call. So I rang again and said, “Tolls please, I’d like to make a collect call.”</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I waited and waited and waited. I fell on the floor. I got up and tried again.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<a href="http://www.stuff.co.nz/nelson-mail/opinion/columnists/karl-du-fresne/6178074/Paper-or-e-its-keeping-in-touch">My wife came along and said,</a> “You silly old bugger. If you’d been alive in the 19th century you would have opposed women getting the vote. I suppose you still send out Christmas cards.”</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
As a matter-of-fact I do. I like those long closely typed letters where the typewriter punches out a hole instead of a c, and you tell everyone how well your grandchildren are doing. I think everyone else loves receiving them too, don’t you? They always read them several times over; never just throw them in the bin.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I went outside and tried to start the car. It wouldn’t go so I got out the crank handle, stuck it through the grill in the front and tried to crank it up. That didn’t work either. It still wouldn’t start. They don’t make these cars like they used to. When I was a young lad growing up in Waipukurau, you could ride into town standing on the running board without holding on, and the policeman would just ride past on his bicycle and look the other way. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Everything is moving much too fast these days. When I was a young cadet reporter writing about crimes I was too reverential to even look the magistrates in the eye. We tipped our hats, called them magistrates then. Actually we called them sir. And we wore suits and ties, and shined our shoes even underneath where the soles were leather. And we wore clean underwear in case we had an accident and had to go to hospital. Today I see young reporters wearing anything to court, even sparkly trousers and black shirts with white tee-shirts showing. And they need haircuts. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
And if we were overseas reporting on a war zone, we were actually in the war zone, dodging the bullets as they whizzed past our ears, or gave us little holes in the lobes. These days they just get the footage from some big multinational media company, then stand in the Auckland newsroom and call themselves a foreign correspondent. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Everything has gone to pieces in the world of journalism. They have it too easy now.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
(Please wait while I put carbon paper between three pieces of paper, then insert them behind the roller in my typewriter, and type the next paragraph. I have to take this into town to send to Shayne by telegram at the Post Office because my telex machine is not working today.)</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I kicked the car in the guts and got out my zimmer frame to go into Masterton to Hedleys book shop and asked for Alec. They said he’d passed on years ago. Nobody told me. I like a good funeral. Some young whippersnapper called David Hedley is now in charge who’s apparently friendly with The Beatles. Gah. What’s wrong with Burl Ives? I told him I’ve been advised to buy a book that everyone is talking about called Face. Apparently I would like it. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Harrumph. We’ll see.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<b><i>Editor - Karl Du Fresne is a freelance journalist stuck in the Wairarapa region of New Zealand. In the presence of Greenies he boasts he walks to work each day - he paced it out and it is about 15 metres. Karl writes about all sorts of stuff: politics, the media, music, wine, films, cycling and anything else that piques his interest - even sport, although he's not a New Zealand bloke so cannot absorb as if by osmosis. He's been in journalism longer than Heather Du Plessis- Allan has been born and like many journalists just makes things up as he goes along. He has never won any journalism awards.</i></b></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
Shayne McLeanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08926526789396150207noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2499595779069558267.post-1952605553541619152015-07-02T07:00:00.000+12:002015-07-02T07:00:01.075+12:00The Real Story - by Heather Du Plessis-Allan<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiYsiM6UUtt0hvcHz6VN79YPjcPu64i9z0oVmaoCPoOXJzLNmdD8MzoCTVmgoumica5ZYW7_8UNu2tX6nB2fwxOTYzAAWW-s8907r5XJ_DQJu86Nlge5LUqVY1EQLlHEqjKD5phR8HBJQ-J/s1600/Screen+Shot+2015-07-01+at+12.16.04+am.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiYsiM6UUtt0hvcHz6VN79YPjcPu64i9z0oVmaoCPoOXJzLNmdD8MzoCTVmgoumica5ZYW7_8UNu2tX6nB2fwxOTYzAAWW-s8907r5XJ_DQJu86Nlge5LUqVY1EQLlHEqjKD5phR8HBJQ-J/s1600/Screen+Shot+2015-07-01+at+12.16.04+am.png" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Right so anyway about this new job. It has been a hard road for this sister I can tell you that much.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
The 10 step plan started late last year when the NZ Herald asked me to do their "youth" column. Now I've been married longer than most people but that doesn't mean I'm not fresh and hip. Damn it.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Despite the pay, I took the column and the bull by the horns. Here is my Story. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<a href="http://www.nzherald.co.nz/opinion/news/article.cfm?c_id=466&objectid=11379585">1. First up a column about how I don't want kids</a></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
A superb idea as it primes any employer to know I'm not going to run off and have mini-Me's or mini-Bazza's. It shows stability and that I am not going to put up with any of the sh** our sisters have to when they run off and have children.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<a href="http://www.nzherald.co.nz/Heather-du%20Plessis-Allan/news/article.cfm?a_id=976&objectid=11464752">2. Column about how much I don't want to live in Auckland.</a></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Or more to the point how I can't afford to live in Auckland on my current salary. I know they want me there. This will up my pay demand without even needing to ask. Whinge about the mortgage and Wellington house prices, nothing better for the framing of The Story.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<a href="http://www.nzherald.co.nz/Heather-du%20Plessis-Allan/news/article.cfm?a_id=976&objectid=11381603">3. Column about how small my house is</a></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Big hint to Barry here.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
4. Arrange campaign that Campbell needs to be hosted by younger presenters.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I confused that<a href="http://thedailyblog.co.nz/2015/06/23/dear-tv3-now-heather-du-plessis-allan-has-turned-down-your-new-7pm-show-please-appoint-rachel-glucina-to-work-with-duncan-garner/"> dimwit Martyn Bradbury</a> into thinking I turned the job down! His credibility is now shot so am free of one less vile bile spewer on Twitter and the blogs.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<a href="http://www.nzherald.co.nz/entertainment/news/article.cfm?c_id=1501119&objectid=11468263">5. Have meeting with Jennings at the Bolton Hotel</a></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
My best strategic move yet as was bound to be a complete disaster. Everyone meets at the Bolton and someone of course was going to notice us. If not then I had already slipped $50 to the reception to make sure this "unfortunate" meeting outing occurs. To find the boss there having his own secret meeting was the icing on the cake and dutifully "leaked" by the nice Bolton staff as well.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<a href="http://www.nzherald.co.nz/Heather-du%20Plessis-Allan/news/article.cfm?a_id=976&objectid=11468566">6. Write column about how female directors are paid less than men.</a></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I will slip in how I too could be paid a lazy $4m if I chose the right career. <a href="http://www.nzherald.co.nz/opinion/news/article.cfm?c_id=466&objectid=11442325">Back in the Christian commune in South Africa</a> they said I could do anything I wanted with my life. I assume CEO of ANZ was what they were thinking. <a href="http://www.nzherald.co.nz/Heather-du%20Plessis-Allan/news/article.cfm?a_id=976&objectid=11402118">And for good measure another column about equal pay. </a>Bugger TVNZ.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
7. Aim to have a lesser male with me as co-presenter.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
That Garner is a dickhead. I mean he won't last long. He has already taken up crusade journalism. He's whinging about state housing being cold while I'm saving sheep and exposing McCully. I mean who is going to do better out of this? New Zealanders like sheep more than they like state housing tenants.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
8. Dodge angry female colleagues</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
They are all haters the sisters. They will congratulate me then behind my back already be looking to axe me. <a href="http://www.nzherald.co.nz/Heather-du%20Plessis-Allan/news/article.cfm?a_id=976&objectid=11472231">Write column about trolls. </a>And yes I'm writing it for the bitches I work with. You all know who you are. Yes the ones who are Barry's age and have bitched about me for years, now all sucking up pretending they are happy for me. They are not, they are miserable and it is cracking me up. Surviving them is only as bad as one day in the Christian commune, I shall survive. I shall survive.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<a href="http://www.nzwomansweekly.co.nz/celebrity/heather-du-plessis-allan-sharpens-up/">9. Women's magazine</a></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Yes <a href="http://www.stuff.co.nz/entertainment/celebrities/2723359/What-the-Kiwi-gossip-mags-say">I've already had the engagement and wedding in there.</a> Easy. One phone call.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
10. Charm offensive everywhere.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Be pleasant and charming absolutely everywhere, like every comment on Facebook, be nice to the trolls. Even extra super nice to Barry. I apologise profusely for the quote early on:</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
"She says she's looking forward to catching up with Soper during the day, but it when it comes to gathering news, the competitive du Plessis-Allan will not think twice about scooping her husband". Oops sorry honey.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Cheers mate with my new pay packet I can buy you a house in Auckland now.<br />
<br />
And that is the real Story.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<i><b>Editor - Heather du Plessis-Allan is a thirty something year old trying very hard to avoid growing up. So far it’s working, except for the husband, the mortgage and the proper job. Since moving to central Wellington, she’s doing all she can to act more metropolitan than a girl who grew up down the road from an onion field outside of Auckland. When she’s not writing for the Herald on Sunday, she’s a political reporter for One News and an interviewer for TVNZ’s Q+A programme. Is soon to defect to Mediaworks to present Story and no doubt face the wrath of every John Campbell supporter in the country especially Hamish Keith and Russell Brown if she actually ends up being fabulous.</b></i></div>
<br />Shayne McLeanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08926526789396150207noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2499595779069558267.post-10155716543663111792015-07-01T07:00:00.000+12:002015-07-01T07:00:02.340+12:00Today I am Embarrassed that Queen Elizabeth is Our Head of State - by Audrey Young<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJZB2P5G0CcP4_DMAV4CMacnkQQxgBaEAdvbCnsd0p1eU43ySTzlzWYj8dZaWkqGeBBo5Pi7rulcvptCjDPyDuIBkcicyygrj8DH9-nR80ZOjlksIG562s9cESO4ocFML-AnYkOAOOTMIV/s1600/Screen+Shot+2015-06-29+at+10.52.46+pm.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="284" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJZB2P5G0CcP4_DMAV4CMacnkQQxgBaEAdvbCnsd0p1eU43ySTzlzWYj8dZaWkqGeBBo5Pi7rulcvptCjDPyDuIBkcicyygrj8DH9-nR80ZOjlksIG562s9cESO4ocFML-AnYkOAOOTMIV/s320/Screen+Shot+2015-06-29+at+10.52.46+pm.png" width="320" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<a href="http://www.nzherald.co.nz/nz/news/article.cfm?c_id=1&objectid=11436771">I have not felt that in the past 21,645 days</a> she has been monarch. Long may she reign over us.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
But to learn today that she shared a smile with the public at Ascot makes me cringe.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
It is one of those stories that denigrates her and her office.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
But to learn about it just as she is about to present the Ascot Gold Cup to herself makes it utterly mortifying. It denigrates the occasion which has taken on a quasi-spiritual dimension.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<a href="https://youtu.be/cvbdujOA0Ls">The only thing funny about it are the inventive little clips appearing on YouTube.</a></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Clips of Elizabeth calling the Queen Mother “Mummy” weren't particularly smart either.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
The sharing-a-smile story is already spreading around the world.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
We've already had Aussie radio stations calling our office to talk, delighted to be able to put the boot into someone else's Head of State. Just because they’re a republic and we can’t even make up our minds.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Tony Abbott has made two visits to New Zealand this year, in February and earlier this week, and Key scrubs up very well next to Abbott.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I haven’t seen Key in his Speedo’s, but I have a good imagination. I’ve got a brother. I expect The Queen would look good in Speedo’s too.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
She is confident, eloquent and clearly comfortable in her role, so comfortable that she loves testing and breaching boundaries.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
It is all a matter of fine judgment.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
"Going too far" is not part of Elizabeth's deliberate trade-craft as a Queen.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
She does things ordinary people might do but that have shock value because she is Queen; such as wearing matching hat and gloves; asking people in crowds if they’ve come far; hamming it up with drag queens at the Big Gay Out (<b><i>I think the drag queens mistook her for one of them - Ed</i></b>); and telling UN ambassadors about how Philip once asked a driving instructor in Oban how he kept the natives off the booze long enough to pass the test. .</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
That's why we were not amused when we viewed the clip on the website this morning, we all knew it was true before we got the Queen's confirmation and apology.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Sharing a smile is just stupid.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<i><b>Editor - Audrey Young is the New Zealand Herald’s political editor, a job she has held since Barry Soper was in nappies. She is responsible for the Herald’s Press Gallery team. She first joined the New Zealand Herald in 1988 as a sub-editor after the closure of its tabloid rival, the Auckland Sun – they all ran away because they were terrified of Audrey. She’s sometimes called Aunty Audrey, but it’s not a term of endearment. She switched to reporting in 1991 as social welfare and housing reporter. She joined the Herald’s Press Gallery office in 1994. She has previously worked as a journalism tutor at Manukau Technical Institute, as member of the Newspapers in Education unit at Wellington Newspapers and as a teacher in Wellington. She was a union nominee on the Press Council for six years. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. She thinks smiling should be banned. Believe it or not, she’s a friend of Bob Jones.</b></i></div>
<br />Shayne McLeanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08926526789396150207noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2499595779069558267.post-68928847745598625222015-06-30T07:00:00.000+12:002015-06-30T07:00:02.707+12:00Caseload - by Jock Anderson<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEghOxExMjN3Z9xDsVg2j70vlT-Li0WGpFRaprm_NusctWMhZsENCmYZbprBiex56ShuZmuVkaK6diuxIedOeuRCauAfdvDAtLZnQIhISEI3qbRsyy6O2AD_mR9mYRQ_VM5P_JEoHDpsNDcG/s1600/Screen+Shot+2015-06-28+at+10.24.01+pm.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="301" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEghOxExMjN3Z9xDsVg2j70vlT-Li0WGpFRaprm_NusctWMhZsENCmYZbprBiex56ShuZmuVkaK6diuxIedOeuRCauAfdvDAtLZnQIhISEI3qbRsyy6O2AD_mR9mYRQ_VM5P_JEoHDpsNDcG/s320/Screen+Shot+2015-06-28+at+10.24.01+pm.png" width="320" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<b><br /></b></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<b><br /></b></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<b><br /></b></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<b><br /></b></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<b>I am gay friendly </b></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I know that I am writing for an audience of twelve but in any case (load).</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Late last year<a href="http://m.nzherald.co.nz/business/news/article.cfm?c_id=3&objectid=11317813"> I wrote an epist</a><a href="http://m.nzherald.co.nz/business/news/article.cfm?c_id=3&objectid=11317813">le about gay lawyers</a></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
It lead to an avalanche of scuttlebutt about gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, takatapui and intersex (LGBTI) and how they do their thing in large law firms. I had to remind a few people Charles Chauvel now works at the UN. Duh. Chauvel is a fabulous gentleman. In fact in 2008 I lived off his scuttlebutt for months.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
It is common knowledge I trade in cheap gossip by finding x about QC X and then QC X trades not appearing in my column for spewing their guts about y. In fact I've written columns for years this way.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
What makes me more interested as I don't even need to sit in the Queens Ferry to write this column anymore I can be at my residence on Waiheke Island. People keep coming to me with crap about lawyers.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
The rooting, the backstabbing, the bitching and the moaning I have covered. The sensationalist headlines? Easy. I mean since my ergh abrupt departure from the NBR since the "unfortunate incident" I have had my niche at the NZ Herald stirring up shit about anyone I want. Despite you know, never actually getting on the "fairy" to Auckland despite eligibility for Winston's Gold Card. I just can't be fucked. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<b>Law No Place For Mature Lady Briefs</b></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
According to the 2013 Census, 55 per cent of lawyers are aged 44 or under. Too many. They are distracting to my friends who are male in the profession and above 65.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Customised data indicates that while 43 per cent of male lawyers were aged 44 or under, they were outnumbered by 71 per cent of female lawyers in the same age bracket. Too many women.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Women make up 46 per cent of all lawyers and made up 62 per cent of those admitted to the profession in 2013. What the fuck was the NZ Law Society thinking?</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Women far outnumber men in the age group from 20 to 44, but drop away sharply in the age group 45 to 70 plus. Yes because they take all their first husband's assets and don't need to work!</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
The number of female admissions overtook men for the first time in 1993, and while Law Society data shows women make up 57 per cent of lawyers in practice for 20 years or less, women make up only 2 per cent of lawyers in practice for 40 years or more.. That's because they all end up shagging them!! Jesus I would like to but none have offered, Even Lady Chambers.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<b>John Banks' affair not yet over</b></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<b><br /></b></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Expect heads to roll over the botched Crown case against former Auckland mayor and ACT MP John Banks - acquitted and exonerated the other day by the Court of Appeal on a charge of knowingly making a false electoral expenses return.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
In the Banks case, the Crown - in the form of prosecuting scum Queen's Counsel Paul Dacre - failed to tell the Court of Appeal of a crucial memorandum it had which was also not disclosed to Banks' lawyers. Outrageous.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Banks claimed the Crown knew, and were a bunch of scum to throw him under the bus because he's not a member of the establishment. It was a grand "fuck you" when Mrs Banks saved him.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
John Banks was acquitted and exonerated the other day by the Court of Appeal on a charge of knowingly making a false electoral expenses return. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj4Pk-vrd-trko_htbJqinjrSoImSHi0oC8lHJPqxXuaOmwW7gdBVkExPTd-NDGTukhcdGitazpwtvmzwWjbScOeYlZDUzXArRCZ9ufq7gMCDOnAc5JD4d9iA8cknMN9Y9ymM1sxFN4bx-s/s1600/Screen+Shot+2015-06-28+at+10.17.17+pm.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="164" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj4Pk-vrd-trko_htbJqinjrSoImSHi0oC8lHJPqxXuaOmwW7gdBVkExPTd-NDGTukhcdGitazpwtvmzwWjbScOeYlZDUzXArRCZ9ufq7gMCDOnAc5JD4d9iA8cknMN9Y9ymM1sxFN4bx-s/s320/Screen+Shot+2015-06-28+at+10.17.17+pm.png" width="320" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<b><br /></b></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<b><br /></b></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<b>B*st*rds still and more promised</b></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
B*st*rd monitor, John of Wellington, is hard at it. Hard I say.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
"Judge Robbie Ronayne is a moody b*st*rd. Moody horrible.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Judge David Harvey a very clever b*st*rd.". </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
As for Auckland Crown Solicitor Brian Dickey, John says there will be more to come. He's just <a href="http://www.nzherald.co.nz/business/news/article.cfm?c_id=3&objectid=11459770">Hooton's play thing</a> and we all know he's a b*st*rd.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Dickey had success at the Ellerslie races the other day, as part owner [along with Queen's Counsel Paul Francis b*sr*rd Wicks of Rooting and others] of galloper Gravano.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Reluctant as he is to stifle freedom of speech, CaseLoad is obliged to comment on some other matters raised by John:</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<i>"Whether or not there is, or isn't, gossip in racing circles that Mr Dickey's firm Meredith Connell has, or has not, received briefs in horse racing related prosecutions is nobody else's business.</i></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
It may well be that such legal work has been handled by Bell Gully for more than 60 years but even if some of what you say is true then perhaps it's time some fresh blood got a piece of the lucrative action..." (<i>No one has a fucking clue what you are ranting on about Jock - Ed</i>)</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<b><br /></b></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<b>Thought For The Week:</b></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
(From a Very Senior Legal Person) "the Dude behind John Banks has MOOBS. I tell you. MOOBS.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<i><b>Note from Editor - Jock got a column when the NBR red carded him. I can't sack him because well argh...I am not sure about that but lawyers live in fear of what he serves up and it means our lawyers are kept in line so jolly good please continue Jock.</b></i></div>
Shayne McLeanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08926526789396150207noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2499595779069558267.post-48502021364811651602015-06-29T07:00:00.000+12:002015-06-29T07:00:01.168+12:00Media Watch - by David Cohen<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg7ZPTtTrpOV2c5ZxFZ4_BHMyDNfx72p_IyJ2eL4k-WRLbxzcGl1klo5urzu7ES6wDmBLjArR-jSB-brr3mL8gFWD5Ywm9YrXJBWEL3GNfFdLE_biup6235OkVz7EhhnCcClETlEJo_6YJj/s1600/Screen+Shot+2015-06-28+at+10.40.02+am.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg7ZPTtTrpOV2c5ZxFZ4_BHMyDNfx72p_IyJ2eL4k-WRLbxzcGl1klo5urzu7ES6wDmBLjArR-jSB-brr3mL8gFWD5Ywm9YrXJBWEL3GNfFdLE_biup6235OkVz7EhhnCcClETlEJo_6YJj/s400/Screen+Shot+2015-06-28+at+10.40.02+am.png" width="290" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I came over the rise of the hill and the road to Huntly stretched away like a tantalising ribbon unwrapping an unexpected gift before my heat-glazed eyes. Above my sun-scorched pate, but below the azure heavens, telephone wires sang in a manner which pneumatic chested country-and-western gals with names like Loretta and Dolly and June never imagined they could. So this is hinterland tourism, I figured. This is let-down-the-ragtop and shoot the breeze, and no there would not be no tortuous twang of “Stand By Your Man” polluting the sophisticated sound system of this rented auto with my driver. Freedom from Nashville! Freedom from Hillbilly! Driving really is for peasants.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
To be sure the genre has its place, in unsophisticated outback halls mebbe, packed with bow-legged, tobacco-chewin’, spurs-a-janglin’, ruddy cheeked sing-alongers. But surely one must graduate sometime from listening to that endless wailing variation on the theme of somebody done somebody wrong songs?</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
By Jehovah, if only the mulish music media critics would, as we do, take a little time to see what else is going on out there in the land of staffs and minims, brackets and clefs, tablatures and breves, tempos and caesuras, sharps and (<i><b>Enough! - Ed</b></i>). It isn’t too damn well difficult when you subscribe to, read (<b><i>You really read them all? - Ed</i></b>) and write for, as many international publications as – cough – yours truly does? Have they not heard of Dylan? Gaga? Leonard? Forgive my modest familiarity but we have interviewed most every muso around, so can supply their full names for those not on such intimate terms as we have been since but a Hutt Valley domiciled minor gangsta, hustling words for coin.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
So it is we turn to lament my inability to figure New Zealanders and their tribal hysteria over the ridiculous spectacle when packs of men start hurtling themselves around, chasing or hitting balls across lush, mud-spattered fields of grass? We mean to say, really, at the mere mention of two words “World Cup” the foam-mouthed nation collapses as one into a sea of cringe-inducing idiocy. This is swiftly followed by those poor excuses for sports jocks spurting their grunts and oiks into our poor excuse for a daily media. Cricket? Rugby? Suppresses yawn. We don’t know anything about these so-called sports, but I’ll wager they were invented by the British, who as one tribe, cheered on by those Nazi loving royals, are responsible for everything stupid in this world. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
And look at the screaming masses on the side. Do they know the meme? If they had to really apply their brain to watching courage in action we could take them to boxing but it should be wasteful. Would they know the first thing about boxing? But just don’t call it a sport. It’s about …oh why should we bother you’re all so ignorant. It’s a lost religion; leave that on the table.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
A while back we wrote a column <a href="http://www.nbr.co.nz/opinion/my-time-andrew">“My Time With Andrew”</a> which, as the yoof like to say, went viral. Truth be told it had nothing to do with media commentary, but ‘twas a whine about not being paid by the Labour Party for three months (<b><i>Why in such a hurry? - Ed</i></b>). So occupied were we with commissions to pen our thoughts for The Grauniad, The Chronicle of Higher Education, the Christian Science Monitor, the Jerusalem Report, the Financial Times, the (<b><i>Shut up - Ed</i></b>) it entirely slipped our mind to post an update.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
We was paid. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
We always knew a bit of casual political advice on the side for Labour was going to be risky. But when you’re a snotty <a href="http://www.nbr.co.nz/opinion/david-cohen/gaza-blues">expert on the Middle East question as we are </a>(nyah nyah Jon Stephenson) and have dodged bullets and rockets, well you get down and get back up again; you don’t have rocks in your head like everyone else.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
So finally, speaking of rocks in heads, we do think it very pre-moderne for some media folks to still be banging on about plagiarism being theft and all. Seriously, copying and pasting sentences out of someone else’s article, and just rearranging them a bit, is the same as republishing a press release. As the saying goes, nothing in the world is original. (Chuckles to ourself) – see, we just plagiarised that.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Shalom.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<b><i><br /></i></b></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<b><i>Editor - David Cohen has dropped out of everything – school, bassinets, sight from time to time, and once lived in a home for delinquent boys in Lower Hutt (a fact he loves telling anyone who can be bothered listening). Taxpayers’ money will be used to make a movie of his life this year, with Leonard Cohen rumoured to be playing David Cohen. Cohen (David not Leonard) writes columns for anyone who will pay him without his having to have questions raised in Parliament.</i></b></div>
<br />Shayne McLeanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08926526789396150207noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2499595779069558267.post-60906116644877057672015-06-26T07:30:00.000+12:002015-06-26T07:30:01.246+12:00Metro - All By Simon Wilson<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj9lHIKipQnWuZdwYbVgfSAswq-Imqs4UOa2KowOHqeO38l6KHfCIKaZTxEe8rBgNlY-Y26DrHA0xSatFc8TYiS-rdYF4piAdSQOhGY-bmGPF3DLhjt19-Wsqv_grA151MCtj3SOj05uVdR/s1600/Screen+Shot+2015-06-17+at+11.24.23+pm.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="381" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj9lHIKipQnWuZdwYbVgfSAswq-Imqs4UOa2KowOHqeO38l6KHfCIKaZTxEe8rBgNlY-Y26DrHA0xSatFc8TYiS-rdYF4piAdSQOhGY-bmGPF3DLhjt19-Wsqv_grA151MCtj3SOj05uVdR/s400/Screen+Shot+2015-06-17+at+11.24.23+pm.png" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
Simon?<br />
<br />
Simon?<br />
<br />
Half an hour late now for deadline!!!!!!!<br />
<br />
The whole magazine is due and we have no copy!!!!!<br />
<br />
<br />
<i><b>Ed - What do you mean he's left?</b></i><br />
<i><b><br /></b></i>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjvUiuBowTDiPcFlP1obFxZi7s_2RqfWio-Mrll5E_Oip6YiG9PhNTzBfyayj6CB37jU0G0JEHGGma_xSohJfOonj3cYPjvKAHAH_viPRYKJ3KqE_5t0030QT8YqKaouAZ7JUL-ASQnEj8I/s1600/Screen+Shot+2015-06-17+at+11.26.26+pm.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjvUiuBowTDiPcFlP1obFxZi7s_2RqfWio-Mrll5E_Oip6YiG9PhNTzBfyayj6CB37jU0G0JEHGGma_xSohJfOonj3cYPjvKAHAH_viPRYKJ3KqE_5t0030QT8YqKaouAZ7JUL-ASQnEj8I/s320/Screen+Shot+2015-06-17+at+11.26.26+pm.png" width="274" /></a></div>
<i><b><br /></b></i>Shayne McLeanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08926526789396150207noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2499595779069558267.post-75202838361854783972015-06-25T07:00:00.000+12:002015-06-25T13:32:05.077+12:00New Zealand Sport In A State of Mega Crisis - by Chris Rattue<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiKW5UCC4R1QBSWdH3v3mS1QsAuhcb480ktsV_zENYA_1IVlwDbuyU7NEfatO_HVCea6_8ot9GPhzKaqMzKEdcv-VhvRI7BEg8ioYPt0NhiZME8HkHn7m64mxJzEw_mzr28IoY0eYlQ48z6/s1600/Screen+Shot+2015-06-23+at+11.31.39+pm.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiKW5UCC4R1QBSWdH3v3mS1QsAuhcb480ktsV_zENYA_1IVlwDbuyU7NEfatO_HVCea6_8ot9GPhzKaqMzKEdcv-VhvRI7BEg8ioYPt0NhiZME8HkHn7m64mxJzEw_mzr28IoY0eYlQ48z6/s320/Screen+Shot+2015-06-23+at+11.31.39+pm.png" width="213" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
New Zealand sport is at a crossroads, I predict it will turn to crisis very shortly. At the New Zealand Herald we all love a good crisis in a headline.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
The All Blacks aren't that good. They have only 93.70 points in the world rankings. Richie McCaw is hopeless. There's twelve better faster open side flankers in Auckland club rugby alone right now. Dan Carter? Well he can't kick can he? They're all too old. And the possible replacements? Well they're all too young. Aaron Smith? Nah inconsistent and unreliable. His pass isn't great. Sam Cane? Over-rated and has sat in waiting longer than Camilla did for Charles. Should have already gone overseas if he was any good.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Let us face facts rugby isn't played seriously by any country in the world that matters so I don't know why New Zealanders are so passionate about it. World leading countries like China, Brazil, India or Russia survive without rugby. Even the Americans haven't taken it seriously until sevens (not a real sport in my opinion) became an Olympic sport. The NZ sevens team will lose to America. They won't win a medal, waste of time offering up All Blacks for the season. America has the best NFL and college track rejects to choose from and sevens is dead easy. Pick up ball and run really fast.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Our cricket team are still hopeless. They came second in the World Cup. Second I repeat, first LOSERS. McCullum the worst captain we have ever had. At least Howarth had the booze to blame for daft captaincy decisions. Kane Williamson? Well his batting average could be higher couldn't it? And captaincy will bugger that all up. Trent Boult? An average bowler at best with injury issues and Ronchi? Well he can't catch and even when he does do something well just remember - he's Australian. The team lacks consistency. A bit like the All Blacks really as they haven't won every game they've played and they should.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Lydia Ko? Nah she's not that good, beginners luck. Valerie Adams? Not that flash. Wouldn't win a thing if it wasn't for the fact she's a large Samoan. It's not her Palagi side tossing that rock is it? Her brother Steven? Yeah well he's only in the NBA to sell shirts. In New Zealand alone 100 have been sold in South Auckland alone. You know they aren't really into basketball those South Aucklanders. Too busy ruining the Blues rugby dynasty. The players are the problem, Islanders, can't communicate with JK. They need someone in Tana Umaga, a Wellingtonian who can teach them how to catch and pass. And read. Umaga was paid large six figures to front that campaign. The Blues have him for a steal.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Shaun Johnson? Hopeless. Only scored 512 points for the Warriors, not enough. The Warriors are in a total meltdown. Every year they should win the Premiership but they don't. Must be the ownership battles leading on to the field. Owen Glenn and Eric Watson can't decide whether the ball should go forward or back.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I don't know why New Zealanders bother watching cricket, rugby, league or our hopeless netballers. Just when the longer good their best players get pregnant or retire. Irene Van Dyk? Left the team in a total state. Not the best goal shooter that I've seen. Probably would have been better for New Zealand if she had stayed in South Africa. Netball has been in a decline since April Ieremia left to read the sports news.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Joseph Parker? Well he's fought bunnies really. Never been tested. Too slow and not big enough to make it past the next level. He should just quit and do what every old boxer does, train new ones.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
House prices? Oh god don't get me started on the property market. I met a bloke last week who spoke a lot of sense Bernard Hickey. Yes he commentates on business how I do on sport. The glass is not only half empty but it is non-refillable.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Don't believe the rumours that we have both never been seen in the same gl....I mean room......</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<i><b>Editor</b></i> - <b><i>Chris Rattue is employed by the Sports New Zealand as a motivational lecturer and columnist. <a href="http://www.nzherald.co.nz/chris-rattue/news/headlines.cfm?a_id=22">Like any good Herald columnist he double dips in his regular missives in New Zealand's leading newspaper. </a>Always looking at the negative, Rattue has embarked on a mission to ensure every New Zealand sportsman and woman gets to read an alternative perspective on their performance. When asked about rumours he was also in a commercial partnership with Gilbert Enoka, sports shrink to the stars Rattue responded that Enoka was "pretty bloody average really".</i></b></div>
Shayne McLeanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08926526789396150207noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2499595779069558267.post-16977543140500158492015-06-24T07:00:00.000+12:002015-06-24T07:00:00.499+12:00Exclusive: Michele Hewtison Interview - by Michele Hewitson<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhD0Y3CiHOaWwqKLu2JxSJGK0rJ4zRIg0HC4yzZx-7FmKPcO1IVQCeMSVko8C4Q3b04ESm3GcKCxyDjd4zqiySVPjZZdelQCpe_ftskQ1FTvcRZAbCF35E0ujPs8TL6AiJPdLwxqfof0XlO/s1600/Screen+Shot+2015-06-23+at+1.40.27+am.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhD0Y3CiHOaWwqKLu2JxSJGK0rJ4zRIg0HC4yzZx-7FmKPcO1IVQCeMSVko8C4Q3b04ESm3GcKCxyDjd4zqiySVPjZZdelQCpe_ftskQ1FTvcRZAbCF35E0ujPs8TL6AiJPdLwxqfof0XlO/s400/Screen+Shot+2015-06-23+at+1.40.27+am.png" width="251" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<i><b>Saucy in rare photo</b></i></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
What tribe are you?” I asked Michele Hewitson.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
This just exploded out of my mouth like spittle. I had no idea where it came from except she had won columnist of the year at the Canon Media Awards in spite of fierce competition from her colleagues who took oaths they never entered themselves on pain of death. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
She’s renowned for not liking anything. Say hello to her at a bus stop? Sneer. Offer to buy her a drink? Sneer. Tell her you think her writing’s half-way great? Sneer, sneer, sneer, sneer as if well, that’s a given and who the damn hell do you think you are even daring to compliment the greatest living columnist writing for the greatest tabloid organ in this wonderful country called Aotearoa New Zealand. Stab and walk away is Michele.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
We’re sitting in a tofu café near where I live in Mt Albert. Michele conveniently agreed to walk to meet me. She’s notoriously private about her own life. Check out Facebook and you will find, as I found, three Michele Hewitsons all spelled the same way. Could be a ruse? I tell her that’s ironic. She drawls why? I say because you pry into everyone else’s lives. She says no I don’t. I say yes you do. Don’t. Do. Don’t. Do. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
She says, “I’m a writer.”</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I ask her what she’s that got to do with the price of fish. “You asked me what tribe I am,” she reminds me. Oh yes I’d forgotten my first question. I order trim decaf soy latte with extra hot no-chlorine water on the side. What will you have Michele I ask her? “I’ll have a Why Bother.”</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I think that’s a bit rude but she’s known for being a bit rude so I let that one pass.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I say enough about me, let’s talk about you. What do you think of my questions so far?</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
She says you’ve only asked one question. Next. (Actually, I asked her if she’d like a coffee but that’s not really an investigative columnist question according to the Herald style book.)</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I pick up her paws and ask her if she’s going to get nail extensions with the prize money and she says, “Ha ha whatever.” She is a very intelligent young lady of <a href="http://brianedwardsmedia.co.nz/2010/08/i-meet-the-fearsome-michele-hewitson/">whom Dr Brian Edwards was first terrified then fell in love with</a> when she interviewed him so I think I should follow suit and ask my second question (<b><i>Third - Ed</i></b>).</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Did you have inappropriate relations with Brian? She sighs and slumps a bit, then points out his sentence which she has as a screensaver on her phone that says “Let me not bore you with the details of an interview that lasted for an hour and a half”. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Michele says, “Make what you will of that but Sir Brian admitted he was terrified of me, called me a total bitch.”</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I Google “bitch” on my phone under the table and find lady dogs with male dogs sniffing around. I guess Brian was pretty smitten by her then.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
“I am also known as hugely talented, very perceptive, extraordinarily readable and amusing, according to the life of Brian,” she says. This is also on her phone. Handy research to bring along to our interview and I admit to being impressed.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I think to myself that this is interesting and perhaps the Canon Media Award columnist of the year was self-judged but then I quickly banish that thought from my head and ask her a philosophical question instead.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
“Tell me Michele Hewitson,” I ask. “When Brian said he was pretty nervous about being interviewed by you and that no one wants to appear in print looking like a total arsehole…”</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
“Yeeeees,” said Michele Hewitson, patting down her hair and cocking her head to one side, looking like she was thinking hard about where this was going.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
“Do you think that is because he is acknowledging he is a total arsehole and you may discover that and put it in your column?”</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Michele Hewitson jumps and spills her blah blah blah drink down her pilled tights, burning her thighs I imagine, which makes me wonder if those are tears of pain pricking her eyes but no, just smoke drifting across from the nearby table where a skinny man in aviator dark glasses has been sitting, smoking nervously and keeping a close watch on our conversation, hiding behind the pages of a slim tatty magazine whose title is slightly obscured but which looks a bit like C-nva-.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I ask why she needed to have a go at all those departing politicians. Why didn’t she have a go at being a politician instead? Did it give her a good feeling of schadenfreude to see others’ pain when she gave them a good skewering on her back page? Was she proud of being described as being famous for her hatchet jobs?</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
“Well if I don’t give it to them,” she sneered down at me and demanded as she drew herself up to her full height of just five feet - eyes of sleet, “Who?” </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<b><i>Editor - Michele Hewitson won columnist of the year at the Canon Awards despite her colleagues protesting she doesn't actually write a bloody column it is an interview. Little is known about Michele.</i></b></div>
<br />Shayne McLeanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08926526789396150207noreply@blogger.com0