©Rumour has it “Our Rach” – not this gal, and not the Rach – the one I call Trailer Trash Rach who shacked up with that washed up Rock Star Rockin’ Rod. Bare with me here I’m talking about another Rachel who has a Public Relations company and who rushed to help her hospo pals and is now being accused of stitching up a damsel in distress. She is a va-va-voom kinda gal, “Our Rach”, but stitch up an innocent waitress like Amanda Bailey? Nah, she can’t even sew. “Our Rach” just goes after stories like any other journalist and all journalists are gossips, see? So she gets the story, fair means or fowl (foul? fowel? Shayne which one is right? Help me out here boss. Currie not McLean) and then this gal who’s had her leg pulled (ponytail - Ed) turns around and says no. I ask you. What. Ever. I’m the gal. I’m the queen of gossip, right? Sorry, not me, the other “Our Rach”, PR Rach. (Too many Raches in this story - Ed.) Now I’m confused. PR, Schmee-are, what does it matter if you get the goods? Fuggeddabowdit.
©Speaking of goods, check out the moobs on my smoochie pal Paul Henry. Mwah mwah. All puffed up and no ratings to speak of but meh, what do the critics know compared with me? I write the stuff about A-list telly slebs every day. I know heaps more about what goes on in the lifts at TVNZ than @zagzigger (that’s John Drinnan – not supposed to diss him but, meh). My column gets more hits than anyone else in this paper I tell you – Audrey, Trevett, Armstrong, Roughan – all those serious political drips? Who cares about their drivel. Nobody. Nada. Nyet. When those A-listers are sitting in the make-up chairs (rising inflexion of voice) I’m right there under the plastic cape protecting their clothes. Key. Max Key. John Key. Ali Mau. Russell Brand. Hosking. (How do you fit? - Ed) When these people take a shit, I’m underneath looking up. They talk to me all the time behind their hands. I have these people on speed text. I channel Holmsey. My rivals have to get out of bed early, like I’m talking long before noon, to beat me when it comes to getting the goss. And trust me when I say Paul Henry is going to be huge. (I’m wondering if Henry is on Tinder. Mmmmm. Swipe right!)
©The Diary has it on good authority that a fourth baby is on the way for TVNZ’s Cleaner. Move over Kim and Kanye! Wooee, New Zealand’s Z-list couples have sex too. Will the pitter-patter of tiny little feet be soon heard, we wonder, in the hallway of my long-suffering boss, fellow Z-lister Shayne Currie? (Please no - Ed). The fathers and mothers told Diary the little bundles of joy (Wha? thought there was only one baby here?) will arrive by stork in six months and the happy soon-to-be mama said, “No we don’t know what we’re having but we do know it’s a human.” This makes me wanna go outside and, like, LOL. Just LOL. The Cleaner has starred in ‘The Electrolux’, ‘Miele II’, ‘Pimp My Squeegie’, and the Matty McCarten directed, ‘Toot If You Support Unite Members’.
©Meanwhile we hear things are looking up for media luvee John Campbell. He’s in talks across town at Metro’s Restaurant of the Year (where I am on their people of influence list), Subway Caltex in the People’s Republic of Grey Lynn. Campbell sadly rejected the offer to front Media-Don’t-Works new 7pm show, “Where’s My Wife?” and left the building flanked by guards who disgracefully did not trust him not to turn around and run back in to rescue power couple and colleagues Mike "Brown Jesus" McRoberts, hubby of Paula Saviour of "Car Thief" Pora. JC (for that is how he is now known) is said to be in talks with Fred DeLuca. It’ll be like having a party for one in your mouth. JC could not be reached for comment but The Diary can tell you on Sundays he breaks bread, shares wine, allows his ring to be kissed and forgives sins. Fred DeLuca could not be reached for comment. SUBWAY™ could not be reached for comment.
©Can it be true National’s most eligible bachelorette Nikki Kaye is all loved up? I spied her in the city looking glam in yellow with a grey-haired dude and they were too close to be “just friends”. These two were almost exchanging bodily fluids! (It’s her cat, Lily, you stupid woman. Go to Spec Savers - Ed.)
©Speaking of romance, The Diary sees Shayne Currie is all loved up with…..(that’s enough you can keep your job for one more week - Ed.)
©Guess Who Don’t Sue: The Diary received a letter from someone asking me if I could organize a return of those Ansett Airlines advertisements so the air crew can say: “I gave Sir Bob Jones to the pilot and he threw him out the window.”
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Editor - Rachel Glucina is New Zealand’s raining gossip queen, notorious for breaking appointments and dishing dirt on the country’s best known grader drivers. She’s laughed at. She’s ridiculed. She’s courted by anyone with mould in their closet. Rachel knows where the bodies are buried – she’s got the Cemetery App. Barry Manilow wined and dined her. Damian Christie devoted a chapter to her in his memoirs. And the Mayor of Far North District Council has her on speed dial.
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