At Least I Am Not on Ashley Madison - by Alex Hazlehurst

I mean for christ's sake I'm young, gifted, blonde and fucking gorgeous.  I came to London to get a job and didn't speak to anyone but Poles for a month. 

The bloody Poms do not know what they are missing. Here I am an ex TVNZ producer for almost two years, Zb political journo for almost a year and having achieved all that in three years why on earth aren't my talents recognised? Why can't I make it all up like a good Noo Zooland repeater and be the head of News of the World baby!! Oh they closed it? Like? Really?

I got a degree from the University of Everyone Gets One that Noo Zooland offers. But come on folks I'm young,  hot and most importantly WHITE! There's not many of us around.  I am also from Hawkes Bay.  That makes me even cooler than an Aucklander.  Plus look at my LinkedIn. Look at me!  I sourced heavy weight talent. That's all the lardo's that Rachel Smalley talks of.

I can charm the pants off a 60 year old Italian who despite his world of experience is in London at age 60 making coffee. When I say charmed the pants off him I don't mean I fucked him. Hello? Who do you think I am? Some desperate fat brown haired bitch who needs to fuck her way to the top?

I used to walk down Ponsonby Road and those gay boys at SPQR would scrape the gum off my Overland pumps. It was so claustrophobic when I slept with the cousin of my first boyfriends son. I had to leave.

It was starting to feel like this city hated me. I was angry, broke, drinking a lot, and lacking any of the confidence I arrived with four months ago. Jesus it was like working at TVNZ all over again. Without the cheap coke and touch ups from the management. I still can't find a decent dealer in London.

Ashleigh an Auckland creative still can't find a job. Quite apart from not being able to find him/herself she has a dealer and is sticking the small part of her parents trust fund up her nose on a weekly basis. Cunt. Just a rotten bitchy cunt. And she's from Dio. I mean come on.....Didn't share the coke. No love.

But the story ends like this: after five months off fighting off the Polish, Nigerians underclass masses, I'm proud to say I've finally landed a permanent job, at a great company, in the heart of Leicester Square. It was a 10-week process from the time I applied to the time I was actually offered the job, but nonetheless that contract's been signed, sealed, (Snapchatted) and delivered.

After all, everyone needs that hot blonde chick selling cheap theatre tickets. Snort.

Editor's Note - I don't know Alex Hazlehurst. I swear.