Friday, August 28, 2015

Alex Hazlehust: You've Never Been Loved - by The City of London



Wake up Alex you silly little bint, you’ve never been loved over here. You thick-as-Bog Irish Kiwis with your nasal accents and flat vowels think you can backpack around London and swan into any job you like just because you fancy yourselves as hard workers?

Pull the other one sunshine, it’ll make the Bow Bells chime.

And Alex, just in case nobody’s told you yet, you’re not talented . Not fabulous. 

Over here there’s a name for Kiwi girls; we call them heifers. It’s all the dairy they drink – legs like Kauri stumps and tits like spaniels’ ears.

If you think blonde hair is all it takes to get a job in media, think again darling. You need contacts. You need the guts to hack a cellphone. Talent? Blow it out your  fat arse. 

Take it from us Brits  – we’ve seen them all. All your types who’ve trotted out your resumes all tarted up with words like “producer” for some state-owned television company when you just left tech. We know what that means darling. It means you were a “prod sec”. Say no more, say no more, know what I mean, nod’s as good as a wink. Producer my arse.

Only one thing you said in that pathetic rant sweetheart which was true – you are irrelevant. Not just in London, not just in Auckland. Wherever you go in life now, irrelevant.

Go back to your 60-year-old Italian barrista and leave us Londoners out of your brattish little whines. Water finds its own level.

Editor's Note - Can we hire you London?

No comments:

Post a Comment