Right so anyway about this new job. It has been a hard road for this sister I can tell you that much.
The 10 step plan started late last year when the NZ Herald asked me to do their "youth" column. Now I've been married longer than most people but that doesn't mean I'm not fresh and hip. Damn it.
Despite the pay, I took the column and the bull by the horns. Here is my Story.
A superb idea as it primes any employer to know I'm not going to run off and have mini-Me's or mini-Bazza's. It shows stability and that I am not going to put up with any of the sh** our sisters have to when they run off and have children.
Or more to the point how I can't afford to live in Auckland on my current salary. I know they want me there. This will up my pay demand without even needing to ask. Whinge about the mortgage and Wellington house prices, nothing better for the framing of The Story.
Big hint to Barry here.
4. Arrange campaign that Campbell needs to be hosted by younger presenters.
I confused that dimwit Martyn Bradbury into thinking I turned the job down! His credibility is now shot so am free of one less vile bile spewer on Twitter and the blogs.
My best strategic move yet as was bound to be a complete disaster. Everyone meets at the Bolton and someone of course was going to notice us. If not then I had already slipped $50 to the reception to make sure this "unfortunate" meeting outing occurs. To find the boss there having his own secret meeting was the icing on the cake and dutifully "leaked" by the nice Bolton staff as well.
I will slip in how I too could be paid a lazy $4m if I chose the right career. Back in the Christian commune in South Africa they said I could do anything I wanted with my life. I assume CEO of ANZ was what they were thinking. And for good measure another column about equal pay. Bugger TVNZ.
7. Aim to have a lesser male with me as co-presenter.
That Garner is a dickhead. I mean he won't last long. He has already taken up crusade journalism. He's whinging about state housing being cold while I'm saving sheep and exposing McCully. I mean who is going to do better out of this? New Zealanders like sheep more than they like state housing tenants.
8. Dodge angry female colleagues
They are all haters the sisters. They will congratulate me then behind my back already be looking to axe me. Write column about trolls. And yes I'm writing it for the bitches I work with. You all know who you are. Yes the ones who are Barry's age and have bitched about me for years, now all sucking up pretending they are happy for me. They are not, they are miserable and it is cracking me up. Surviving them is only as bad as one day in the Christian commune, I shall survive. I shall survive.
Yes I've already had the engagement and wedding in there. Easy. One phone call.
10. Charm offensive everywhere.
Be pleasant and charming absolutely everywhere, like every comment on Facebook, be nice to the trolls. Even extra super nice to Barry. I apologise profusely for the quote early on:
"She says she's looking forward to catching up with Soper during the day, but it when it comes to gathering news, the competitive du Plessis-Allan will not think twice about scooping her husband". Oops sorry honey.
Cheers mate with my new pay packet I can buy you a house in Auckland now.
And that is the real Story.
And that is the real Story.
Editor - Heather du Plessis-Allan is a thirty something year old trying very hard to avoid growing up. So far it’s working, except for the husband, the mortgage and the proper job. Since moving to central Wellington, she’s doing all she can to act more metropolitan than a girl who grew up down the road from an onion field outside of Auckland. When she’s not writing for the Herald on Sunday, she’s a political reporter for One News and an interviewer for TVNZ’s Q+A programme. Is soon to defect to Mediaworks to present Story and no doubt face the wrath of every John Campbell supporter in the country especially Hamish Keith and Russell Brown if she actually ends up being fabulous.
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