Who would want to be the MP for Papakura? Since 2002 I have put my life on the line every time I walk from my office to the debating chamber. I have left my home and family to live with people who are violent bullies, and I’m just talking about Katie Bradford and Brook Sabin. I live in constant fear for my life, and then everyone starts to suspect you just because you’re friends with Cameron Slater.
I’m as mild as milk. That’s why I’ve got enemies. I’m the nicest person imaginable. I don’t hurt anyone, you can tell by my smile. Babies go into raptures of singing when they see me smile.
Someone gave me this silly name, Crusher. Not my idea but I tossed my lovely blonde locks, and pursed my bee-stung red kissable lips, and ignored that. So what if it stuck? Just more bullying from those in my cabinet who are jealous of me and wanted me sacked.
Yes they got me sacked. They think they got me sacked but actually I resigned to take the wind out of their sails. It was a very difficult time for me but I was very brave, only breaking down when confronted by that Rottweiler interviewer, the investigative Rachel Glucina. Yes, that was tough but she did catch me in an off moment, snacking on chockie chip bikkies, hokey pokey bikkies, date scones and a glass of savvie in the Koru Lounge. Nice to escape the plebs occasionally, before I have to face the queues at my beloved electorate office again.
The Woman’s Weekly said I couldn’t have done it without my husband. David Wong Tung. Yes that fooled everyone. Now he’s too scared not to take the rubbish out daily, even if he was too much of a wimp to speak out and take the rap when his companies were dropping me in it with their stupid photos posted all over the Internet.
Hah. I showed them though. I got that Adam Dudding licking my boots. “ No desire to lead the party whatsoever” what a scream! Noticed how JK’s been looking a bit peaky lately? Softly, softly catchee monkey – old Chinese trick: just chop hair into the soup. Do I feel bad? No siree, he’s got that mousey Bronagh to look after him when he’s invalided out and I step over his pathetic little carcass with my fat little feet stuffed into my red stilettos.
Then things are going to change around here.
Justice Wanker Collins indeed throwing that whole Explorer case out of court. The man doesn’t deserve the name Collins let alone being on the bench! When I’m PM, Minister of Police AND Minister of Justice the police will be armed with Kalishnikovs, flame throwers, and whatever else their little hearts’ desire so they can just charge into these gang headquarters and annihilate the entire scene. Sherman tanks, that’ll show ‘em! Then those wimps in the Press Gallery will have to come up with a moniker better than Crusher! Yessss!!!! Hunt ‘em down, stalk ‘em out, don’t shoot til they’re wetting their pants, showing the whites of their eyes and sobbing for mercy!
Ahh I love it.
David Wong Tung! I need more grapes peeled, and you can stick the broom up your arse and sweep the floor while you bring them to me.
My Sunday Column - by Phil Goff
Words fail me
Again.
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