Wednesday, July 8, 2015

Taking Out Whaleoil, My Evil Plan - by David Farrar


Planning world domination.


Last week I was resting in my lair thinking of Everest counting out in my dreams all my neatly piled foreign currencies then I woke up as I was re-living the most amazing moment of my life.

Election 2014 and National had won. I picked it. A romp. John Key stood on the precipice of history and what did he do? Thank Whaleoil? Judith Collins? Nah he thanked ME!  Not only that he gave me the best PR I could ever receive - he called me "the best pollster in New Zealand". My leading client, the best moment. We were on the phones what it seemed an eternity those previous months. I calmed John down as I fed to him various policy ideas based on my polling.  

I thought my life couldn't get better but after those midnight texts and calls from "anxious John" to "creative David" this was the best.

It was a bleak moment when the book Dirty Politics was released. I mean here I am, New Zealand's best pollster, centre right doyen and that prick Hager gives me ONE chapter. One fucking chapter!!!!   And Chapter NINE! I even went to the launch and signed books for the adoring fans. Nothing. Well there was something - Cactus Kate, Simon Lusk, Whaleoil and Carrick Graham expelled me from the VRWC for that. Again.  All their work was Chapter Eight and I was jammed between that and a chapter on Sex Scandals. Sex scandals that everyone knows I had absolutely nothing to do with at all, I mean I don't mind taking the rap if I actually did get a leg over but there was NOTHING!!!

I should have at least had a chapter that extolled the virtues of my evilness beyond the surface. Hager made me sound like some wanna be lothario. Who the fuck does he think he is? I know all about him. The lies, smears and all his private life. It is in my filing cabinet where I keep the bodies. The GCSB told me all about what Hager does at home alone when he thinks no one is watching, the Jenny Shipley and Ruth Richardson videos from their time announcing budget cuts and the large tub of Vaseline with the mask. I have the pictures and I'm waiting for the right moment to release them.  The one on budget day for the Mother of Them All will ruin him. It will make him more of a laughing stock than Peter Davis. Hager mistook Vaseline for liniment and ended up calling John Minto around (on his landline of course as he has no cellphone) to clean up. 

If I move I would need the entire staff of Crown Relocations Wellington to come and help lift those bodies. So heavy are they. Unlike Whaleoil who keeps them online for the world to hack (how dumb was that incompetent goon?), my files are my currency. They are kept under lock, key and 12 digit alpha numeric password under the floor double downed with my bed over top. No one is going to get at my precious.

I still get along with every National PM. As they should. When Murray McCully is long gone ensconced in Charlie Wilson's office girls in Washington I will not only be the next McCully I will be the next Boag.

Everyone has looked at my weight loss, it's a diversion. The real work is happening behind the scenes. I am planning world domination commencing with taking over The Standard. No need to hack those losers, that is another diversion. They tried to plant staff inside Curia. Well I have infiltrated their systems with a new blogger. They won't know it yet but one day that "new blogger" will strike and post material that shows Whaleoil is actually a Labour plant.

You see that's the genius of my plan. The closer Whaleoil, New Zealand's leading blogger cuddles up to Labour by attacking John Key, the closer I get to the ultimate truth.

Whaleoil is actually a Labour plant. And has been all along, bought and paid for by Union cash.

It will ruin his ratings among the right wing Whaleoil followers and install me back as not only New Zealand's number one pollster but New Zealand's leading blogger!!!

Editor - David Farrar is well regarded as New Zealand's sneakiest political operative. Not only does he have a nationally regarded polling company, he spends his spare time letting NBR take his work as their own, appearing on The Huddle and much to the chagrin of his right wing friends - The Panel. David is often expelled from the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy (VRWC) for acts of treachery. One of the latest being writing nice things about James Shaw and Kevin Hague.

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