Saturday, August 29, 2015

What About Me? - by Jeeves Clifton

It is high time I got my own column.  I have watched as the staff talk politics, write about politics and have political visitors.  It cannot be that hard.  I mean that Bryce Edwards is so boring that I would rather cuddle a cat than watch him on television.  It is very nice of Shayne McLean to give me this opportunity to voice some concerns at a time he is cutting all manner of barking mad contributors like Dita De Boni and refusing still to give Martyn Bradbury any sort of bone other than letting him air himself on a washing line with a Trade Aid peg and a short piece of rope.

While conditions have improved since the last staff member left and was replaced by a more competent interloper (MCI), I have to say the long term staffer (LTS) is not meeting expectations and needs to up her game.

I watch her on Twitter daily.  I am better than the fools also reading hanging on every word as they do.  Like me they have absolutely nothing else to do all day than eat, sleep, pretend they are getting laid and have loads of friends and scratch.  The difference is I am a dog!

LTS has an account name that says it all - Rumpole3 with a picture of the dear old thing who I now only barely remember from all the times walking where he stole the show.  I don't see that changed to Jeeves3 now I am the Boss.

Then we have this Violet, the new furry little interloper (not to be confused with the disorderly fuzz of the original little human interloper).  Her slutty behaviour is there for all to see on Twitter.  What kind of bitch performs on the knee of the help?  Violet jumps in the snow? Wow.  So what?  I did that first several Labour leaders ago.

Violet is allowed on the couch.  And is rewarded with a boastful picture on Twitter.  Her throne?  Oh dear.  Bugger that. Who does she think she is? Helen Clark?



The LTS isn't very smart at times. This is not a look for food at all, it is a look to get off the bloody computer and pay me some attention woman.



I bring in some cauliflower to play with and the LTS puts it on Twitter.  Hello, I was practising killing.  I was never going to eat the thing.  My reputation has been harmed with this presumption I am a vegan.  If I was Colin Craig I would put flyers out to defend this defamation.



The LTS then decides to cheat on us entirely by posting a picture Solomon, a CAT.  A CAT I tell you.  That is infinitely more treacherous than switching the interloper staffer from a National to a Labour.   I know more about politics than any of these fools who think they can write a political column, or worse, think they should write for the Herald.  



I am bias of course just like Chris Trotter, Steve Brauniarse and David Slackness but I could out-write that little pussy Lily who has a LTS in Nikki Kaye.  Lily is the ultimate show pony. See what I did there, even Nikki Kaye's cat outshines Jacinda Ardern in her own ring (Editor's note - show pony).   





With the intense and often testing training under the watchful eye of the LTS about tormenting idiots who sit around mucking up our lives all day called politicians, I would win a Canon.



Editor's Note - Jeeves Clifton resides at the home of Listener columnist Jane Clifton and has a reputation for hard hitting walking, catch and retrieve and the hunting and killing of both cauliflower and old man's slippers.  Jeeves is auditioning along with Verity Johnson and Holly Ryan for a new role at The New Zealand Herald covering the trials and tribulations of being Millennials and not being able to afford your own home after paying for salon and spa visits, holidays in Sydney, a full corporate wardrobe, shoes, a weekend wardrobe, Sky TV, weekend excursions with the girls and of course - ticket to every show that visits the Vector Arena.  So far Jeeves is the stand out.

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