Ladies, if I can do it you can do it. Anyone can do it. There is no excuse for being a 21-year-old solo mum in this country. You can be a multi-millionaire too by the time you are my age – just buy my book and read how to do it. All you need is straight teeth. My teeth are the softest part of me.
What’s my age? Hard to judge the answer to that question from looking at the publicity photos but because I’m a generous lady (Huh? - Ed) I’ll give you a clue. The neck is a good giveaway, and the hands, ladies, check out my hands.
So where to start on my tips to becoming super rich, powerful and a control freak. Not by sitting on the couch drinking Fanta and eating chippies.
Number one rule: don’t give away anything you can sell, and I mean anything. This means even your eggs. Eggs mean money. You have your own nursery, therefore those eggs can bring in a good income. I learned this at a very young age, that’s why I was ‘the bike’, riding around selling eggs. And that was the start of my rep as a young entrepreneur. You get my drift, ladies? So sell your eggs.
But don’t just sell your eggs to anyone. Be choosy. Here’s how.
NBR’s The Rich List is your Bible. Never forget this. Take it to bed with you every night and say your prayers over it. Kneel down in front of it, close your eyes, and project. Yes that’s right, project. Repeat over and over, you are not just selling time. You will be someone who can fire people faster than a hot knife slides through Emerald Foods icecream.
Now, in that Rich List will be some very, very nice people who will help you. Don’t worry if they are old and wrinkly. They will be happy to give you a stage to dance on. My husband did that. He was very generous even though he did tell me to “just shut the fuck up”. Then when he got very old he just couldn’t remember what to say and I could dance on other stages. Then I could tell other very nice people what to do because I had lots and lots of money. You can move on and sell eggs to bean counters, kiwi fruit farmers, broadcasters – Ladies, the world is your Oyster Rolex.
Ladies, don’t waste your time selling eggs in the poor suburbs. Do a drive by. Do you know what I mean by this? Go to places like Parnell and Remuera, or the North Shore, streets like Minehaha Avenue. There you will find people who mow their lawns so will look after your health, because you have to be healthy. You can sell eggs to people, for example, who look down your throat and up your nose.
Ladies, you don’t need qualifications for this. I don’t have qualifications. I didn’t play tennis at Remuera Tennis Club (it’s Remuera Rackets - Ed) I left that to the nice men’s dreary wives. More time on your own in a consulting room to sell eggs.
So here I am now The Most Powerful Woman In The Asian Pacific World. More powerful than Nanaia Mahuta. Fancy that. More powerful than Valerie Adams. Crazy – little petite charming butter-wouldn’t-melt Delicious Diane (as one of my egg customers calls me – DD for short) although I am looking a bit chunky around the thighs in those publicity shots, the one in the snakeskin jacket. Note to self: more time on the exercycle.
I bet Fonterra are shaking in their milking cups after that shot I put across their boardroom. How dare they spurn my advances and turn down the offer to buy my icecream. What does Sir Ralph Norris know about business? Why is he on the Fonterra board of directors. They should have some women on the board, (err, what are Nicola Shadbolt and Leonie Guiney if they’re not women? - Ed) they should have me on their board. So what if there was that little bust-up with Charlie’s Orange Juice a wee while back? They don’t know anything about business. They wouldn’t do exactly what I told them, and as for that rat who called me out as “no entrepreneur” I know who you are. I do revenge as well as I sell eggs, just ask (deleted for legal reasons - Ed).
Sorry Ladies, lost my composure for one second. One last piece of advice. Actually, two. Never go into business with lovers or friends. Put a ring on his finger first then get his vasectomy reversed. Gotta have a kid from his loins in the PRS (Property Relationship Settlement - Ed) when the shit hits the fan with his own kids otherwise those cunts will take the lot. And secondly, if you enter the EY Entrepreneur of the Year competition, make sure you’re really close to at least one of the judges, I mean so close you couldn’t even slip a Platinum Credit Card between the two of you wearing whatever you like. Oh and get the domestic help to write your hagiography. That's three pieces of advice.
Editor's Note - Diane Foreman’s book is taking the world by storm. A runaway bestseller, bigger than Ayn Rand’s ‘Atlas Shrugged’ it wasn’t actually written by her, even though she has a website where she talks about “my book”. It was written by EY’s spindoctor Jenny McManus. Diane Foreman is also EY’s encourager of entrepreneurs. We are not sure what else EY have to do with the book. Perhaps they like to buy it. Perhaps they buy Diane’s eggs too. There is a lovely picture of Diane selling her eggs on her bike when she was 12 years old taken 20 years ago.
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