I Don't Have a Penis, Hear Me Raw - by Rachel Smalley

“I am woman hear me whine, in numbers too small to expline”.

Yes I know that’s not how you spell explain but you have to remember I’m writing this the way I say it on the radio, that is, with my nasal accent and I’m being authentic, that is, from a woman’s perspective. I am disappointed. Very disappointed. Disappointed that Radio New Zealand didn’t give Mary Wilson the boot and give me the job instead.

No what am I saying? I am disappointed that they didn’t give the job to a strong capable woman host and instead they’ve given it to yet another white middle-class weak streak of weasel piss, that John Campbell. Now all our primetime radio shows are hosted by middle-class white male men. Is that stating the obvious? I’ll ask Larry Williams. Or Leighton Smith. They’ll know. Or Mike Hosking, just as soon as I’ve written this pile of shite for the Herald.

Where was I? Yes: we need one woman for every man hosting primetime shows for balance, so they can bring their unique and iconic perspective to the interview. For instance, look at Megyn Kelly at Fox News. Do you think Donald Trump would have been able to say what he did, about blood coming out of her “whatever”, if the anchor was a man? No. Mind you, if Fox had hired me for that interview I would have given Donald Trump a run for his money-oh. Yes indeed.

I would have said something like this: “You’ve called women you don’t like fat pigs, dogs, slobs, and disgusting animals. Wimp! 

“I’ll up you on that. I’ve called them heifers and lardos.”

Betcha he would have walked out of the debate right then and there.

We are creating a near-monopoly of male broadcasters in this country and dammit, I just won’t have it. The government should bring in quotas to accurately reflect our society, which isn’t straight, white and male. So every media company should have to employ a host from each of these categories:

1. Lardo

2. Heifer

3. Rachel

4. Blonde

5. Bimbo

6. Nasal twang

All my friends are up for it. “Let’s do it” said Jane Hastings my boss. “What?” I said. “Let’s do what? I’m hetero. I’ve done enough women’s mags interviews I thought I’d made that perfectly clear!”

The worm turned. We never got there. People say I’m “muddled”, call me “sour grapes”, it’s “PC gone mad”. I have no idea why they think I’m stupid and I’m challenging feminists. I’m bringing about change here sisters.

“I am woman watch me grow

See me standing toe to toe

As I spread my lovin' arms across the land

But I'm still an embryo

With a long long way to go

Until I make my brother understand” (Ed - apologies to Helen Reddy)

Editor's Note - Rachel Smalley is host of Newstalk ZB 5am to 6am when nobody is listening. And a whole lot of other stuff on her Celebrity Speakers blurb which she obviously wrote from a women’s perspective.